it must be a dream...

Tomorrow is the last day of MCAT registration date for this year intake test.
still don't know what to do. this has been an insistent struggle for the past 15 years or so. to pursue or to let go.

I even poured on a chapter in my book about this shattered dream. 'it must be a dream' - also based on one my most favourite J-movie, Summer Snow. A story about Ryoko Hirosue who wanted to be able to live healthily and go for diving.

I don't know. I wish there's such thing called reincarnation of which we could take a second chance. Or perhaps we just have to realize this place on earth ain't too comfortable to live in.

I don't know. Should I let go the moon, knowing that I could not fly and then continue enjoying the sand, the tree and the water. Should I find all ways to reach the moon, climbing the mountain, jumping every day? How do I know that that dream is a moon or just an oak tree?

I don't know. Still. 15 years have passed. Wish I were born in a rich family. Sigh.

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it's 2304 hrs now.
i go thru some MCAT simulation online. Going thru a few Biological Sciences questions. Damn it! I can't even understand what it's all about. How could I expect a school in kampong by the river can equip its student to answer international english test, of which the student has not touched the text book for 15 years. :(
I remembered my Biology teacher in high school. almost taught nothing. he came to class and talked nonsense and then asked students to do volunteer work to do cleaning service or planting in the garden, on which we would get our marks. Oh, may God forgive him....:(

i then looked at some pictures of a mom and her son in London. what a happy mom. it must be God loves her so much that God gives all her dreams to come true. me so happy for her.

i feel like a damn looser.

i will let go. but i will continue to live.

i am i and i am on my own.

my flesh will be blasted. my heart will be crushed.
as for me..
as for me..
as for me..
yes as for me and me alone

my Rock...
and my eternal inheritance...
is God alone and alone

I will live.

for God.