it must be a dream...

Tomorrow is the last day of MCAT registration date for this year intake test.
still don't know what to do. this has been an insistent struggle for the past 15 years or so. to pursue or to let go.

I even poured on a chapter in my book about this shattered dream. 'it must be a dream' - also based on one my most favourite J-movie, Summer Snow. A story about Ryoko Hirosue who wanted to be able to live healthily and go for diving.

I don't know. I wish there's such thing called reincarnation of which we could take a second chance. Or perhaps we just have to realize this place on earth ain't too comfortable to live in.

I don't know. Should I let go the moon, knowing that I could not fly and then continue enjoying the sand, the tree and the water. Should I find all ways to reach the moon, climbing the mountain, jumping every day? How do I know that that dream is a moon or just an oak tree?

I don't know. Still. 15 years have passed. Wish I were born in a rich family. Sigh.

....
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...
..
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it's 2304 hrs now.
i go thru some MCAT simulation online. Going thru a few Biological Sciences questions. Damn it! I can't even understand what it's all about. How could I expect a school in kampong by the river can equip its student to answer international english test, of which the student has not touched the text book for 15 years. :(
I remembered my Biology teacher in high school. almost taught nothing. he came to class and talked nonsense and then asked students to do volunteer work to do cleaning service or planting in the garden, on which we would get our marks. Oh, may God forgive him....:(

i then looked at some pictures of a mom and her son in London. what a happy mom. it must be God loves her so much that God gives all her dreams to come true. me so happy for her.

i feel like a damn looser.

i will let go. but i will continue to live.

i am i and i am on my own.

my flesh will be blasted. my heart will be crushed.
as for me..
as for me..
as for me..
yes as for me and me alone

my Rock...
and my eternal inheritance...
is God alone and alone

I will live.

for God.

MCAT

211. In eukaryotes, oxidative phosphorylation occurs in the mitochondrion. The analogous structure used by bacteria to carry out oxidative phosphorylation is the: A ) cell wall. B ) ribosome. C ) nuclear membrane. D ) plasma membrane.

212. Nucleosomes typically consist of which of the following? I. DNA II. Histones III. Microtubules A ) I only B ) I and II only C ) II and III only D ) I, II, and II

I looked at those questions with broken heart. Shattered dreams. Tuhan, aku ga tau apa yang harus aku lakukan. It must be a dream....

Tell me what to do....

Love by Kahlil Gibran

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

****
so many people like this romantic poem and feel the ecstacy of the myth of romantic love. Not everyone is matured enough (gifted to know) what exactly he was trying to say. Via Dolorosa.

Marriage isn't for everyone

Mat 19:10 Jesus' disciples objected, "If those are the terms of marriage, we're stuck. Why get married?"
Mat 19:11 But Jesus said, "Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone.
Mat 19:12 Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked--or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it."
***
yahoo...i am glad to read it...

nubuat

"Aku menubuatkan hidupmu akan berakhir dengan tragis dalam kesepian."
Ucap sang pendeta tenang menghunjam padaku...
Aku tergetar sesaat. Memandang sang pendeta.
Dan tersungkur..kowtow..
"Mulai hari ini aku akan mengikut engkau dan menjadi adik angkatmu..."
***
Bertahun-tahun-tahun yang lampau seorang pendoa syafaat juga menubuatkan,
"Tuhan akan memakaimu luarbiasa dan kamu akan menjadi profound, Tuhan akan memakai tanganmu utk membuat mukjizat dan kamu akan melayani orang2 yang kekurangan dan patah hati dan pergi ke pulau2. Hidupmu akan disertai bahaya tapi Tuhan akan mengirimkan malaikatnya untuk menyelamatkanmu."
***
Kalau kedua nubuatan itu digabung, maka nasibku kurang lebih akan mirip seperti AA Allen, Charles Branham, Paul Cain, John Dowie..:)
***
Kalau aku bernubuat untuk diriku sendiri, kelihatannya aku akan pulang ke rumah Bapa lima tahun lagi...so apa yang akan aku perbuat dalam 5 tahun ini?

hidup buat apa

hidup buat apa ya?
kalo ngga ada tuhan, kayanya hidup itu utk bisa sesenang mungkin di dunia ini. krn besok kan mau mati. atau mungkin jg krn ga ada tuhan, hidup mati bunuh diri jg sama saja, kita cuma sebuah sistem sel yang kebetulan ada di alam semesta.

kalo tuhan ada?
ada yg bilang tuhan ingin hidup kita senang, jadi kejar prestasi dan kesenangan (baca: berkat) sekeras2nya. tapi ya, kok kayanya ngga begitu yg tuhan inginkan.
ada yg bilang lakukan pekerjaan2 besar buat tuhan. tapi ya, kok rasanya hampa kalo hidup cuma begitu.

keliatannya hidup di muka bumi ini cuma bergaul dg tuhan, baik kita jadi orang kaya atau tidak, berhasil atau tidak, terkenal atau tidak, terhormat atau tidak.

kayanya begitu saja, sambil menunggu keabadian menjemput.

tidak berarti

hari ini aku mengajar SON tentang iman.
lalu aku berkisah tentang iman dan mukjizat yang pernah Allah lakukan dalam hidupku.
yaitu waktu dulu habis bisnis bangkrut, datang ke singapur, cari kerja, minta kerjaan pada tanggal 12 juli, dan dikasih beneran pas tanggal itu persis.

spontan aku tiba-tiba berucap. aku sama sekali tidak bermaksud berbohong.
"pengalaman mengalami Allah itu jauh lebih berharga dari sekedar pekerjaan yang saya dapat. soal dapat kerjaannya mah tidak berarti, tapi pengalaman bersama Allah itu begitu indah..."

aku kaget mendengar kata2 itu keluar dari mulutku. mengingat kesusahan waktu itu, saat itu yang aku pedulikan adalah solusi dari masalah, dan mana gua peduli soal mengalami Tuhan...
..dan kalau aku dikasih kesusahan lagi sekarang, hanya satu yang kuingini, 'lepas dari kesusahan dalam tempo yg sesingkat2nya!!!!!!'

tapi aku tidak berbohong barusan. sungguh, melihat ke belakang, segala kesusahanku tidak berarti. yang terasa indah dan luar biasa adalah pengalaman bersama Allah. aku bayangkan kalau aku mati, segala kesusahan, shattered dreams, kepedihan tidak ada artinya. sebelum aku mati, aku cuma bisa tersenyum mengingat jalan-jalanku sama Tuhan...

Tuhan, sungguh aku ga bisa mengerti Kamu. Aku tuh mesti gimana???????