Crossing the River

Lesson from SMRT

2011-12-18T11:33:00.001+08:00

People always undermine operation, maintenance and service delivery. It's always more glamorous to flash the P&L, stock price, new deals, party, celebrities, publicity, golf, etc. Operation is taken for granted. The problem is that operation is the foundation. It's what you sell to customers. In the context of SMRT since it serves the public's interest more than share holders, it's even more important. SMRT took operation for granted. The money they used to invest in the retail space, hired dolly dim sum, etc would be more useful if they channel it to operation. Once it blows up, it will cost the high flyers' job.

Brain and Emotion

2011-12-08T22:27:00.001+08:00

"I think kamu terlalu mengandalkan brain, and if it does not work, your emotion cant manage it..."

Sepenggal kalimat di atas diucapkan seorang sahabat lewat fb message. Seorang sahabat yang unik, yang saya kenal sejak 20 tahun yang lalu. Baru saja bersua, dan tiba2 saya teringat persamaan dan perbedaan di antara kita. Kita sama2 suka berbalas pantun. Bedanya dia 'cool'. Coolness-nya itu yang membuat dia bisa menarik hati seseorang, demikian.

Menarik nasehat yang dia berikan. Kalau saya terlalu mengandalkan otak, dan sesuatu tidak terjadi seperti yang otak saya harapkan, maka emosi saya tidak dapat mengendalikannya.

Mengendalikan apa?

Biasanya, orang selalu diminta untuk mengendalikan emosi mereka. Emosi adalah sesuatu yang harus ditekan, dipendam, dikalahkan. Emosi seperti musuh yang harus ditaklukkan.

Menarik sekali, kalau ternyata dia memberikan perspektif yang berbeda. Emosi itu bukan lawan, bukan musuh. Emosi adalah diri kita sendiri. Gantinya berusaha menekan emosi, dan memperlakukannya seperti 'bagian lain' dan musuh - kita seharusnya melihat emosi adalah kekuatan diri kita sendiri.

Kalau otak kita tidak melihat hasil yang diharapkan, kalau suasana dan kejadian tidak seperti yang diharapkan, maka bukan emosi yang harus ditekan - tetapi emosi kitalah yang dapat melihat semua hal dari perspektif yang utuh. Dengan demikian emosi kita dapat mengendalikan suasana, walaupun otak kita melihat hal-hal yang tidak kita harapkan...

The Kingdom of God and Flying Without Wings

2011-10-23T16:32:00.007+08:00

Setelah sekian lama menggumuli Matius 6:33, tiba-tiba saya menemukan suatu arti baru dari ayat hebat itu. Carilah dahulu Kerajaan Allah dan Kebenaran-Nya maka semuanya itu akan ditambahkan kepadamu.

Beberapa penafsiran yang populer dan umum misalnya:
1. Yang basic, pokoknya cukup bilang secara high level, bahwa kalau kita beribadah dengan taat, hidup baik2 di hadapan Tuhan, maka Tuhan akan memelihara kita. Tidak ada yang salah dengan ini, cuma untuk orang-orang melan seperti saya, saya tidak pernah yakin dan selalu dihantui keraguan 'apakah saya cukup baik? bagaimana dengan dosa kecil, besar yang disembunyikan di bawah pohon? Apakah server yang down kemarin itu gara2 Tuhan bete dengan saya?

2. Yang lebih prosperity, kira2 begini: Saudara2, berilah untuk Tuhan, perlebar kerajaan Allah, malam hari ini, saat Engkau membuka dompetmu, menulis cek-mu, saat ini juga, aku katakan, tingkap-tingkap langit terbuka, dan kepadamu akan ditambahkan. Ditambahkan, ditambahkan sampai meluap-luap....apa itu yang meluap? emas, perak, saham, bank account, BMW, dll...Tidak ada yang salah juga dengan ini, emang mana bisa saya bilang si ini atau si itu salah :)

Nah, cuma belakangan waktu kebetulan dengar lagu-nya Flying Without Wings dari Westlife, yang jelas2 lagu sekular...teks-nya begini:

[Shane:]
Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
[Mark:]
Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings

So, impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete
[Shane:]
Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place
[Mark:]
It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings
[Shane:]
And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
[Mark:]
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings

Hmm.... sepotong lagu dunia untuk menafsirkan ayat suci? Penulis lagu ini cuma bilang kalau lagu ini tentang 'apa yang membuat kita 'complete' '

Tiba-tiba saya melihat perspektif Matius 6:33 dalam cahaya yang lain. Bisakah saya menyanyikan tiap pagi, bahwa yang terutama dalam hidup saya, adalah saat melihat wajah Sang Pencipta Mentari bersinar pada saya setiap pagi, dan bahwa setiap saat saya bisa membisikkan 'Saya mencintai-Mu' dalam degup sukacita yang bergolak?

Bisakah? Itulah yang terutama dan membuat hidup kita utuh, komplit, complete, cukup, penuh, tak kekurangan, sempurna - yaitu kalau kita menyatu dalam Kerajaan Allah itu. Pada saat itu, semua yang lain, they do not matter anymore. Dan itulah artinya kata "ditambahkan" - artinya, yang lain-lain itu bukan lagi yang utama, bukan yang membuat engkau complete, bukan yang membuat engkau bahagia seutuhnya, bukan yang membuat engkau penuh sepenuhnya. Allah tetap akan menyediakan semua itu, makanan, pakaian, rumah - seperti Dia memelihara triliun-an burung- burung yang berkeriapan, seperti Dia mendandani bunga-bunga bakung, dan juga koral-koral di dasar laut serta bunga edelweiss di puncak gunung - dan semua itu cuma tambahan.

Karena kalau kita bisa melihat Mentari itu bersinar tiap pagi menerpa wajah kita, dan kita tenggelam dalam Kerajaan Allah, itu saja yang membuat hidup kita utuh.

Flying Without Wings

2011-10-15T10:30:00.003+08:00

I fell asleep and woke up with this Westlife's song.

I am glad I was reminded that we cannot have everything in life. Life is about many choices and what we decides.

Everybody's looking for a something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be.

Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
At any given time or place

Life works in a way of balance. If you choose to eat the cake you cannot have it anymore. If you choose to use your time to read newspaper, you will take the time you can use with your spouse. If you reject a friend's request or give in, there is something you either give or take away in the friendship.

If you are worried and restless in life, there are some energy and time you spend instead of enjoying it with your beloved.

The joy to watch the sunrise on God's face, my wife's face is something I want to choose and would make fly without wings.

With that, suddenly I remember something, I email my friend, coz I know what I want to choose and let go to have my life fly without wings.

Connecting the Dots

2011-10-09T16:49:00.003+08:00

It is about Steve Jobs. Well he was not a philanthropist, neither ever does he give me a free coffee. I don't know him personally. He did not live next door or in my block.

So, why is this unknown person leaving the world with so muchb respect, including from me?

It is his spirit and legacy. What he did, inspire the world. Proving that we can do it. If we were born poor and needed to collect on 5 cent per Coca Cola can, look at him, he could make it. If we had to drop out of college coz no money, look at him. Follow your heart and do what you love to do.

He is a symbol of courage and freedom.

Something the average people have lost. We would not want to pursue what we love and feel free to do? Why? Coz we got another 20 years of this bloody housing loan. And the education fund for the kids.

So we will keep slogging with anxiety, worry, and restlessness, till we are old and have no energy to chase our dream - in order to ensure we have bread on the table, and a bit of money to buy iPhone :)

Steve, your legacy of courage, freedom spirit, and perseverance - may it still remains.

Something good comes out

2011-04-19T14:44:00.003+08:00

Like many of us, I am not perfect. Sometimes we did not achieve what we want. So recently I met up with my ex-client, happened to bumped to him on the escalator.

Very nice person, very godly and wonderful.

And as we chat a little of guilt still creep in inside me.

Then suddenly another lady came approaching us, smiled and shook my hand. "XXXX, right?" she said, to my amazement that she knew my name, while I was trying hard to guess hers.

My ex-client quipped, " We got married because of that CRM project..."

I was stunned really stunned. Speechless.

"At least something good came out of it, right" he smiled.

Yes, I think God is amazing. He can make, create something good out of some circumstances that we deem is not good.

Looking at the context, bigger picture

2011-04-09T14:20:00.004+08:00

These days, since I joined a new company for almost a year, I have been learning new things. Not too much in knowledge and hard skills, in fact due to most of the time spent in fire fighting I almost learn none.

But I learn a lot about Emotional Intelligence. I am now still reading Daniel Goleman's book. Also just read a very short book about NLP, and I quite like some of the concepts. For example, putting things in context and defining a state. Last time I used to easily annoyed of office politics, some petty people sent stupid emails, worse cc to everyone, to the bosses. Normally I could feel tired for weeks for those episodes. If not, I would try to stage a revenge.

I now try to look at the context and bigger picture. A sarcastic, knife-sharp cutting emails from colleagues, means absolutely nothing in the ocean of life. The big picture of life's journey, where my wife, kids, parents, and God is in the pictire, looks much bigger and overshadow that kind of incident. The context is that ' as you grow old, you'll realise you could not be too petty over small matters'. The earth grave is not too far away, and we may lose the big picture of God's plan, His thought, His dream about our life, should we are too engrossed in small matters.

If we look at the big picture, things that inject angst in our lifes, like 'fear of losing job', fear of poverty, fear of humiliation - it really does not matter. Life is short, and once you cross over 35, you are more likely to be reminded of the short term rental we have on earth. It is now, that I can understand more, why it was wrong for the Israelites to cry over meats, waters, and other convenience stuffs, when they were marching to the Promised Land, the Holy City of God.

Regret from the Past

2011-02-20T22:52:00.002+08:00

I was recently linked again (thanks to Facebook, no matter I tried to undermine FB, some reality knocks) with my ex-kos mate. I had many wonderful memories with him, like we went into baptism together, we used to had the berbalas pantun session at night, and other stuffs, including we always tried to offend and demean each other.

A few hours call in the skype and left me with a empty feeling after that. One of our school mate, decided to abandon his first degree to go to medical school. I remembered him, both of us used to mourn our regret too. But now it's different, he made it up and I am stuck with regret for all my life.

I am not sure if now it still makes sense for me to start all over again with my age. I should have got the guts many years ago.

I used to think my settlement in Singapore was a blessing, maybe not. Maybe it's a liability now. For had I not come here, I would have the possibility to folllow W's path.

I don't know.....

Your Best Life Now

2010-11-28T12:54:00.002+08:00

I am reading the book Your Best Life Now, by Joel Oesteen. It is a good book and I recommend it for you to read it.

I once met one of my good friend -whom I always admire of his sharp mind and spirituality - at Coffee Bean Orchard. I brought the book so I could read it along the one hour trip from my home. I would have guessed that he would welcome the book too, on the assumption he stays with a modern charismatic church, where I am now with a traditional conservative laid back church.

I think my belief has been swinging extremely right-left-up-down like roller coaster (of course within boundaries). From a pagan, grew up in mixed belief that Jesus co-exists with deity of other religions, then was born again and shot into radical Christian. Then the ride has been bumpy so far, all kind of theology, or even almost lost my faith ( I mean purpose - not belief)...

I commended the book, however, as I was struggling in my new job. For the first few months I had to recite some of the books' quote of Oesteen, to give me confidence and bravery in my daily work and not to feel down and inferior.

But, my friend's comment did strike me a bit. What is this book for - or whom? What does it mean by "best life"?

I remembered, for example, the other prosperity church that I attend sometimes, teaches that the meaning of God's discipline cannot be poverty, diseases or the lost of beloved. That means we are meant to be healthy, rich, and die in old age - always. God would discpline us in ways, i.e. giving us a troublesome boss, putting us behind a slow car to train our patient, etc. The only catch of this, is that he would have problem of explaining the book of Job, on which his rival whose service is at Expo now has been going deep into this book.

I am contemplating on this and I think the key issue is the defintion of 'best life'?

What does it mean? What is the definition? And who defines it? What does the Bible say? The problem of the Bible - those of you ever sit in Bible School know what I mean - you can interpret almost anything out of your Bible.

We have no doubt - absolutely not - that God wants the best in our life. God wants us to live a good life. (Ok, to be honest, my mentor, an SMU Professor told me: 'No, it is not God's purpose for you to have good life, but to glorify Him' Ok, I didn't buy it. I think it should be both).

Does God really mean that the best life is abundant of money? Perpetual perfect health? Sanity of tragedy? What is the definioin of best life?

I still don't have an answer. But I remembered when I was 14 years old, when I was just born again, neither did I have an answer to this, yet I was overwhelmed with a feeling, belief, emotion, thought that God will take care of everything and I could just rest in peace (not RIP, please). The belief, I could not formulate it into some wordy definition, but I just believed.

I still recommend the book.

One Dawn at Orchard

2010-11-07T16:23:00.002+08:00

It was dawn (my definition is just 8 plus) at Orchard, cold after rain morning. What was I doing in Orchard at that hours? It's been a long time I had not been walking around on Orchard in the morning, since I left Bethany.

It started with a couple of SMS-es in one boring Satuday, sent to some friends I had not a chance to meet for some time. One guy picked it up, althought the initial reply was 'Who is this?'.

Okay, it's okay. So since that friend would be around at Orchard in the afternoon after his church related activities, then I met him at Orchard and we spent a very wonderful time of hours chatting from social-faith-hacking. I had called another friend to book his time to meet -yep in Orchard- and planned to watch movie, after the session with him.

Alas, I could not find the movie with the right time, so we had to wait untilk 9 pm. We then had the Indonesian food dinner, I haven't had for some time, at Lucky Plaza. Then I suddenly I remembered, why not pay a visit to my friend who was hospitalised in the nearby hospital.

My friend was supposed to undergo a quick operation, and by now the original plan for him was to go back to work already. Hailed over from Indonesia, hoping for better treatement in Singapore, the doctor accidentally cut his nerves causing him to be immobile. Adding to it, the hospital put him in the wrong ward, and he was infected by his next ward-mate suffering from lung infection. The wardmate died not long after that.

So, now he was immobilized, got lung infection and the nurse was careless that the drug drips, was leaking, adding to the fact that his medication was delayed then. The expensive private hospital added the onus by not having enough paramedics working on the long weekend, so he had to stay longer.

Ok, so I visited him. He was companied by his wife and mother. His wife then asked if I could company his mother at night, which mean I slept at the house she stayed. Ok, I thought, afteralL I was already in Orchard.

Then I left for Mark Zuckerberg's Social Network. Awesome movie, inspiring but mixed feeling. I still don't understand why Facebook can make it. Nothing fancy in technology, and they were not the first mover. Friendster and myspace was already there.

Finished movie, it was late, I ran under the grizzling rain to the house nearby hospital. The house belong to -at one point of time was one of the richest man in Indonesia -. well the family is still rich now, and his name will always be respected.

Could not sleep well. Or should I put it I almost did not sleep. So I woke up in the morning, sending my friend's mother to hospital, walking like zombie to the MRT.

And that explains why I walked in the dawn on Orchard.

Megamind

2010-11-06T00:47:00.003+08:00

I like the movie. Another good one to remember.

The world is a stage of judgment and it has no mercy. Megamind is a story to explain why some people behave the way that was badly perceived by others. And the ordinary Mr Nice Guy that is not a publich enemy, not necessarily is a good guy, it's just that he doesn't have a chance, i.e Titan.

I remember long long time ago, when I was young, naive and zealous and tried to shared my faith to a foreigner in a broken English. He told me, that the reason I have my belief is becaue the environment I grew up with. I disagreed, as I grew older I understand what he meant. In the movie, it started about the comment about destiny.

Everybody deserves a second chance, and third, and fourth and so on. Everybody has their past that 'made' them to be like the way they are.

But one day, we'll find our own calling. That's was the advise of Metroman. He has been doing all the good things, but of all the good deeds he has done, is portraited in different perception in the movie. Only that one piece of advise he gave to Megamind, perhaps is the real good deed worth to remember in the movie.

I like the movie. Another one worth to remember.

Everyone will find their calling, everyone deservers the second chance.

The Family Man

2010-10-04T17:46:00.005+08:00

One of my most favourite movie is 'The Family Man', starred by Nicolas Cage and Tea Leony. Surprisingly, it was not very successful, it was not even in the mind of many people when it was launched.

For many of the working class people, Wall Street is a dream. A beautiful dream. Penthouse in the centre of Manhattan, you can have all what you want - as Jack Campbell said it 'I've got everything I need'.

I like the appearance of the mysterious angel - and the film purposely left him as just unclear and to our own interpretation. I like the idea of the board and the upper esselon, and his face when he said to the failed store owner 'you blew it...'. And also when finally he reminded Jack of the glimpse.

The movie takes the approach like Victor Frankl's - a psychiatrist who survived the NAZI camp and author of 'In Seach of Meaning'. It asks the question, "What if....?" So the writer asked Jack Campbell: What if you were married? What if you lose all your Wall Street status? What if you could not afford a $2,400 suit? What if you gotta work as a tyre salesman, in contrast the high-flyer of Wall St? What if you gotta save cents by cents, clipping coupons, waiting for another 122 payment to own your house - just like many working class Americans?

But you got your family. You have 2 kids. You have a lovely wife instead of the different women you have every month.

The other way around approach is often used by pshyciatrist also, i.e for a stress mother who cannot take the noise, messy house caused by kids. Ask her a question, imagine that the house is quiet and clean. It is as perfect as you imagine. But you don't have the kids.

Often people start realizing that whatever they have is greater than whatever they don't have.

It is certainly one of the best movie I keep in my heart. The acting of Cage and Leony is excellent. Certain plots perhaps I would tweak were I the writer, but overall is genius! The idea of glimpse, the mysterious angel, and the presentation of Wall St - I like it. The snowy background is wonderful too.

It's just that after watching the movie, I still feel that how nice it is to fly around in Wall St :)

Farewell

2010-05-28T10:30:00.000+08:00

I never thought that I would have had to send this "kind of" email. Sigh.
==================
Dear Colleagues,

Tomorrow is my last day in XXXX and I want to say thank you for all your support and kindness you have rendered to me for the last (almost) 6 years. As I close this chapter, it reminds me of the epigraph to the Romance of The Three Kingdoms about the Three Gorges in Yang Tze River. Allow me to quote a piece of poem from Yang Shen, translated by Lee Wei Ling:

Wave on wave the long River rolls away;
Gone are all heroes with its spray on spray
Success or failure, right or wrong, all turn out vain
Only green mountains still remain,
To see the setting suns’s departure.
The white-haired fisherman sail on the stream with ease,
Accustomed to the autumn moon and vernal breeze.
A pot of wine in hand, they talk as they please.
How many things before and after, all melt into gossip and laughter.

Ik wil iedereen op deze manier erg hartelijk danken voor de goede samenwerking in de afgelopen periode, uiteraard wens ik iedereen veel succes binnen XXXX. De God zegent u.

Selamat Tinggal,

===========
So? Foes or allies, all are gone in the spray of River. Gold or sabre, all sink into the River. What do we have but a piece of happiness with a pot of wine when we travel through the Lake and River.

My son's first prayer

2010-04-05T19:40:00.003+08:00

Son: Susu...susu ..susu...

Parent: You just had yours....

Son: "Lord Ci-ces...thank ku...for today...be-less....papa and mama and Cemy....amen..ho-lu-yaaa."

*silent for a while, then he continued*

Son: "Tuhan adalah gembalaku....takkan ko-ko-na-ngan...aku...."

*then..he shouted*

"Minta susu!"

For which the parents were gladly preparing the milk for him :)

Love and better husband

2010-03-12T16:54:00.002+08:00

One of my close friend, once responded to my question of what is his vision in life with 'to be a better husband'..

oh how true is his word....he is indeed very wise....one of the wisest among my friends...

love grows in marriage, much different than the way it did during the teenagers' courtship. It takes sacrifice, it filters out bullshit but it brings hard work. It makes you eliminate your angers in daily life, it makes you stop certain hobbies, it makes you spend less time for yourself, those are sounds mundande, but that is part of love too.

I see Jesus as an example. His love was not 'wishy washy'. It was simple, direct, clear then He died on the cross. It was not out of 'storming' emotion, misleading feeling, etc., it was simply out of love, then He died for you and me.

Isn' t that love all about?

So to be a better husband, is to mature our love to our wife.

Benny Hinn and the Divine Marriage

2010-02-26T16:08:00.005+08:00

Suzanne Hinn filed the papers in Orange County Superior Court on Feb. 1, citing irreconcilable differences, after more than 30 years of marriage. The papers note the two separated on Jan. 26 and that Hinn has been living in Dana Point, a wealthy coastal community in southern Orange County.

I am in no way judging Hinn at all. I don't have the right neither intention to do so. The story of Hinn, is like, he is 'the chosen one' in Harry Potter, or 'the prophecised ones' like the 4 kids in Narnia, he is like Frodo of Lord of the Rings, he is like the King Arthur with the Excalibur.

I am sure, just like many of us, you were shocked of the news. I remember when I was a very young youth, filled with zeal and fire, his book was my favorite, 'Good Morning Holy Spirit'. And one of my most favorite section is the story about how he got married with Suzanne. It was a divine appointment. And still very fresh in my memory, that story to me was an amazing true story-fairy tale. It was more beautiful than any romance fairy tale story I ever know. Hinn met with a senior pastor, and the pastor had a very beautiful young daughter. They met. God told him that she is "the one". And Hinn asked God, if she is the one, please made her tell him, that she would make a cake for him. And God gave him 'the SIGN'. And they lived happily ever after. It was a perfect story. Really.

Oh..for a young teenager melancholy boy, that piece of story is more than everything. I carried it to my university days, all the way till I grew up. Most of very renown pastors in Indonesia would cite this miraculous story too. I dreamed of this too. That one day good Lord will give me the sign, in a beautiful setting and background just like Hinn's.

I don't care when Ted Haggard had sex with a male prostitute and used drugs. I don't bother that Paul Cain drunk in real alcohol and he was really drunk. Not my concernt that Paula and Randy White got divorced. Just laughed when I heard at the big Bethel Sinode Assembly Meeting, the pastors were exchanging pyhsical fists and abusive words for the fight of the Chairman position. Or when many-many mega church pastors messed up church finances.

But Hinn's story with Suzanne is a true fairy tale I used to keep preciously. It was like a dream. God matchmade you and the princess, you are the chosen one, you are so special. I knew then, I would never get Hinn's status, the way he befriended with God and the way God made special ararangement for him for his soul mate. But that story kept inspiring me, it's like the piece of treasure you'd remember with smile.

All I see now it's like the movie 'UP'. The man found out that all his childhood dreams, his super-idol-role model, his dream hanging waterfall....all are vanity and meaningless.... Or perhaps like a boy who used to adore the Santa Claus, felt so happy when he saw his mom kissing Santa Claus, kept singing that 'I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus'...until he grew up to realise that his mom had an affair with that "bloody santa claus".

God did not give me the sign then. I mean, the sign as I wanted it to be. There may be many signs, but not as I wanted. Or if there were any, I did not accept it, I rejected it. I did not have the beautiful fairy tale background and setting like Hinn had. But, all I know that I love my wife. And I know that love is difficult and not an easy word and should not be taken for granted like a sign of star in the sky.

All I know that love is a verb and choice. I choose to love my wife not because of the sign of stardusts in the sky, or the flowers and butterflies formed a heart-shape dance..... I choose to love my wife, regardless of the setting and background.

All I ask from God is not the sign and the beautiful setting. May His love stays in my heart and enables me to keep loving my wife till the end.....

Wise Words from Elder

2010-02-09T16:06:00.004+08:00

Trading appears deceptively easy. When a beginner wins, he feels brilliant and invincible. Then he takes wild risks and loses everything.

Money symbolizes freedom to many people, even though they often do not know what to do with their freedom

Many traders are loners who abandon the certainty of the present and take a leap into the unknown

The unstructured environment of the market makes it is easy to develop fantasies. A successful trader must identify his fantasies and get rid of them.

If their systems worked, why would they sell them?

The market is not your mother. It consists of tough men and women who look for ways to take money away from you instead of pouring milk into your mouth.

When I was growing up in the former Soviet Union, children were taught that Stalin was our great leader. Later we found out what a monster he had been, but while he was alive, most people enjoyed following the leader. He freed them from the need to think for themselves.

Emotional reactions are a luxury that you cannot afford in the markets.

People change when they join crowds. They become more credulous and impulsive, anxiously search for a leader, and react to emotions instead of using their intellect. An individual who becomes involved in a group becomes less capable of thinking for himself.

Markets do not care about your well-being. Successful traders are independent thinkers.

Our society glorifies freedom and free will, but we carry many primitive impulses beneath the thin veneer of civilization. We want to join groups for safety and be led by strong leaders. The greater the uncertainty, the stronger our wish to join and to follow.

Your human nature prepares you to give up your independence under stress

Vertical Limit, Up

2010-02-05T16:23:00.002+08:00

Some of the movies that left some 'touch' in my heart are the above mentioned.

I watched Vertical Limit, when I was in my "presumably" lowest point. I said 'presumably' because that's what I felt at that time, and not necessarily right... I was distressed because I made a wrong decision of leaving my comfortable job and pay in a modern country and went back to start a business in my homeland. Lots of personal struggle too. Full of dilemma too because I felt that I was neither here nor there and I did not know what to do, felt nothing but fear. I was so fearful until I was paralyzed. Of course, again, it was just what I felt at that time.

Then I watched Vertical Limit, a story about 2 siblings, a man and woman, of a journey finding their adventure after the accidents when their father passed away. As a mountain climber, their father has sacrificed his life, to save the life of his children, by forcing his son to cut the robe, so that only the father would fell...and died.

The daughter grew up bitter and went all out for this extreme mount climbing, whilst the son grew up bitter and forsook that sport adventure. They were reunited in one event, and in that season, every human being showed their true color. The rich businessman who sponsor the event, if possible would kill everyone, to save himself. Some are willing to help for money. The brother went up in bid to save his sister.

One semi-insane weirdo appeared in the scene. And he repeated the scene of the sibling's father. He cut the robe himself, so again the scene was repeated, the two siblings was saved because of his sacrifice.

When I watched that I could really feel the thrill of life and death and all these were just defined in moments of seconds or minutes. Whatever problem and burden we have, after all will hit the ceiling of 'stop order' called death. And here it is, I watched people, playing with death. I mean I know it's just a movie, and most of movies just portrays the same game of fake death. I know, I know. But I felt that genuine things in that movie - and that weirdo is willing to give his life to save the life of the two youngsters.

I was reminded then, no matter how tough and humiliating my situation is, it is not near the situation at that snowy mountains.

...I will write about Up later...

What kind of church (2)

2010-02-01T20:34:00.006+08:00

9. Serving

Church activities are always the center of the church's understanding of serving God, of doing good works, etc. So much so, that it is more important than mercy outside the wall of the churches. Remember the story of the good Samaritans? All the church workers that passed by the poor fellow, got more important things to do, which is their church ministry schedule, than helping that poor beaten up fellow. Some more it would involve some sacrifice of time and money, whereas if they went straight to the church, they would receive honor, respect and money...they will be hailed just like God's angel, bringing the message on God's behalf...but helping that unknown infamous stranger on the street....? Who would appreciate me? If that robbed fellow is Donald Trump...maybe...hmm...

I would teach that serving can be anywhere, not only within the church walls. I dream that my members won't judge the spirituality of others just because they are not active in the church. They may have an elderly person to take care, instead of the time to be involved in church activities. And oh, by the way, I hope members are not racing to serve in the "public display" ministry, becoming singers, worship leaders, musicians for the sake of adrenalin of being admired and adored by people. You think, this is American Church Idol??

I remember once, one of my close friend, who was criticized, rebuked, etc. because he failed to turn up on one of music practice session. Nobody asked and knew that on that moment his wife was bleeding. Hello..???

I know love has become a too cheap word now, but still I dream that there's real love among the members and out to the people.....

10. What kind of building do you want for your church?

This is the hot topic. The church building is often the symbol of the prosperity of that church and the Senior Pastor of that church.

I would say just be pragmatic and realistic. The building is just a place that we use for gathering. Anything that can be used for people to sit down for some hours comfortably will do. I understand the measure of "comfortable" can be relative. Yes, in Singapore city and in Tasikmalaya, a small town in Indonesia, might be different. After all the humidity level is also different. Church building is NOT the place where God dwells, it is just a place for us to sit down together. We are the House of God. Please, Paul has already made it clear to the Athens long long time ago. Don't sell God's name for our comfort, please.

But, please...I remember one pastor was trying to raise fund for buying new church building and kept on mentioning on how God is longing to have a house, as if he was some homeless guy on the street. As we were using hotel's boardroom to worship, he also emphasize that this is displeasing God, as the hotel might be contaminated with some drunk party atmosphere.

I would think just being pragmatic and practical. If my church in some villages, maybe can just use home churches, if in the city follow what is available in that city. Building just built for function. Of course, if there are some members who are artists and want to design the church artistically, as their form of service to God, you're welcome.

What kind of church..

2010-02-01T17:19:00.006+08:00

I recently accidentally asked my friend in email, what kind of church - if he has a choice - he wants to build? A church filled with prosperity and miracles teaching, nice building, etc that easily grab 10,000 members - or a church just a few thousands, solid teaching, plus you got a brain cancer...?

By strange "coincidence" I now have families (and friends) of many pastors, from struggling-handful- members church to megachurch. Well, of course, I fully realized even if I start a church, that will surely join the crowd of imperfect -very imperfect - churches.

But, still my minds wondering and wandering....and if I can use my imagination, day dream, if you will....

1. The church will teach strongly on grace, grace and grace. Just like my lecturer in SBC once said, Grace is scandalous. Grace is unfair. I would think our lifetime and the whole mankind history cannot unravel the mystery of grace. That would lead to the implication of there's no double predestination, there's no chosen man or woman to be punished. At the same time, we still shall believe in the paradox, that we are all chosen by grace, and predestined before the world was even formed. Nothing we could do to afford his grace, and nothing we have done could make grace closes the door. And this will reject the teaching of 'we could lose our salvation' plus we have to keep the ticket to heaven by good works..

2. How about money and prosperity? How about Financial Freedom? How about success? Must we or must not we become rich, successful, influential, public figure, etc?

I would teach the church, that God cares for us so much. God loves us so much. I don't want to define what is "care" to each of individual, for everyone has special and unique and existential relationship with God, and so does God has unique, special, detail plan and thought for each of us. Only God knows. I will teach, that bring your cares to God, God may do miracles about your dollars. But not only that, about all personal struggles too, kids, spouses, families, earthquakes, etc.

For a businessman who has not been sleeping well over a one billion business trouble, God may open the door and pass him some billions of dollars. For a 'cabai' sellers on the street, God bless him with a few dollars for the day. Of course, he may do something 'fun' too by turning around a cabai seller to become a bank owner, that is his prerogative right.

But, Jesus is not about money!

The point is, success is defined as how much we are resembled to Christ. Our spirituality cannot be measured whether we are rich, successful in wordly terms, become a public figure, etc. If we are given that portion, then it would become our responsibilities to distribute it to those who are less well. If we are rich in money and we want to take the measure of Christ, dare we to follow His path, the path of giving and sacrifice?

I would also teach that the real financial freedom is found after Peter's example. He got the miracle of fishes, his net was full with fishes, but then he forsook all to follow Jesus. I think, Peter has really achieved the true financial freedom. He is a free man, man!

So, the focus is never on material achievement but on spiritual. I would not be interested in theological discussion of 'Was Jesus rich or poor when he was on the earth?'

3. I want the church to be inclusive. I imagine, that my church members would welcome a prostitute, poor widow, as much as they welcome a rich, religious and influential public figure. I dream that my members would not ever judge anyone, whether someone wears a short skirt, color the hairs, use tattoo, or if someone has backslided, etc.

I remember in a church leader meeting, we discussed about disciplining some members. And we were using the section on which Jesus taught us, to treat the "fallen brother/sister" as tax collectors. So the pastor and other leaders discussed the need to ex-communicate the persons. I was so naive, to raise my hand, and ask how come in my Bible I read it, that the way Jesus treated the tax collectors is, that Jesus ate and fellowship with them and not driving them away.

They looked at me as if I was insane. By the way, the member we were talking about discipline did not do some sort of murder or adultery, it just that she was busy doing other ministry outside the church and that she may have missed out some church meeting....

4. Cultural Mandate

I don't wish our member to judge. Culture is relative and a lot of bible text are contextual to the culture of that age. Yes, I would believe that we are not from the world, and there will some form of world culture that is not good, yet still we cannot judge the people.

It's good to use the latest music trend in youth service, if they like it. And we can have the 'soft&slow' music for the elderlies. You want rock music, rap, blues, jazz? Bring it on, man..for Christ all the glory!! But I don't want we go to the extreme side, that we are purposely making everything like the world, for the sake of filling in the seats and offering bags.

I remember once, when my youth was about to perform in the main service, he wanted to wear the 'trendy glasses and writs bands', and one of the pastor rebuked him. I was just speechless.

Yes, there are many things permissible but if that stumble others, let's not do it. It's just that it will take God's wisdom every minute to guide us what is best for us on that time.

5. Miracle and Healing

I will fully teach all these miracle teaching and ask for the fullest power of God to be released to the members and people. Yet I will not shy away of the difficult things to explain about, why are there people not healed, why are there sufferings and pains. I would still use CS Lewis teaching about pain and Angus' experience in "Faith Like Potatoes" and admit that we don't have all the answers. After all, it is not our task to 'answer' but just to display the glory of God. See also http://bit.ly/b3JoG4

6. Satan and Deliverance

I would free my members from the teaching about generational curse. I will strongly teach the members, that once we are freed by the Son, we are totally free. No curse, no demon possession. If Satan is still at work in some members, that's only the power of deceit. If that person knows that he is actually has already been fully paid, and he has all the authority to kick out the Satan, he shall be free!!!!! Oh, Hallelujah!! Do I believe in the deliverance ministry? Yes, but on the basis, that the Blood of Jesus has cleansed us once and for all!!!

7. Speaking in Tongue

Yes, that's the gift of God. But I will teach them that speak in tongue is just a beginning in speak in Spirit's language. When we are united with the Triune God, the Spirit is so dear and close to us, that makes our life just like His language. Our body movement, our tongue movement becomes the language and the fruit of the Spirit. When you think, the Spirit's mind fills your mind, that's to me is Speaking in Spirit's Language.

8. Tithing and Offering

I will reject the teaching that likes to sell God, like the Chinese Kitchen God. You think, we can bribe him? Tithing and Offering, refers to above points about Money, comes from our resemblance of Christ and that we have achieved financial freedom like Peter.

I will not scare the members with the cliche sermon..."give it to God, oh you cheapskate, you owe God, give it to the church....if not ....there will be army of grasshoppers coming like flood eating your harvests....and God will take away his fences of protection....." ('Cause, we need a bigger and prestigious church, and I need to buy a new BMW....). Well, in Indonesia we have a group of people who like to ask for protection money, they are called 'preman'. And if we don't give them, something will happen to our property. If you think that this is caused by them...well...you know.... so, please don't portray God just like another preman.

No..and no. There's no tithing. No point you do tithing, because you are scared of God and church, yet you abandon your parents and never give them allowance. You feel so righteous and religious because you give money to church's fund but you close eyes to your own parents?? Ho ho ho....

If you are really blessed and want to give 90%, be it, please do so, give to Him! ...it's between you and God...

...i will continue later

The Ca'my Language

2010-01-19T16:43:00.003+08:00

My little one has his own unique language, that reminds me of Na'vi language of Avatar. Born into English-Indonesian speaking parents, he struggles to introduce his vocabularies, such as:

E-fe-ten = elephant = gajah

Ko-non = Carry me = Gendong

Do-Kok = Frog = Kodok

Vi-ti = Television = teve

Ah-me = Aeroplane = pesawat terbang

No-no = Forbidden ..well no prize for this :)

Nya-yen = Lion = Singa

Woff = Love = cinta

Ta-fa-fay = Butterfly =Kupu2

Potato in the dry land

2010-01-07T16:26:00.001+08:00

Oh..I am confidence that my God will supply me with all I need according to His riches.

The Joy of Fatherhood

2010-01-02T16:50:00.003+08:00

I have been following one pastor's twitter. I emphatized with his struggle as he has an international pop star wife who lives in US with their son. That leaves him with limited time with his 4 years old son. He would share in his twitter his joy of fatherhood when he has that limited time to spend with his son, such as sending him to music school in LA or just carrying him asleep.

I think I am very blessed then, as I don't have to part with my little one. I could carry him to sleep, as I watched X-Men last night, I can be irritated as he would bug me as I type this, and many other little things :)

It’s Christmas Day

2009-12-22T17:09:00.000+08:00

Saya tidak tahu apakah renungan berikut ini bisa jadi renungan Natal
atau tidak. Yang jelas, dimulai ketika saya mendengar sebuah lagu
‘It’s Christmas Day’ yang dinyanyikan oleh Mandisa dan Michael W
Smith. Saya terpesona mendengar lantunan merdu lagu itu.

Nah, saya tahu siapa Michael W Smith, tapi saya tidak tahu itu
Mandisa. Jadi saya meng-google nama itu dan menemukan keterangan
mengenai penyanyi itu di wikipedia,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mandisa.

Ternyata dia adalah salah seorang finalis American Idol 2006,
hmmm….namun tiba-tiba ada sesuatu yang menarik perhatian saya. Di situ
diceritakan bahwa salah satu juri, Simon Cowell ternyata melecehkannya
karena penampilan fisiknya. Simon Cowell mengeluarkan beberapa
komentar tentang berat badannya sewaktu audisi. Waktu pertama kali
melihat Mandisa, Simon dengan sinis menyindir bahwa sekarang kita
memerlukan panggung yang lebih besar.

Saat Mandisa menemui para juri sesaat sebelum sesi final untuk 24
semi-finalis, dia berkata pada Simon, “Apa yang saya mau katakan
padamu, ya, bahwa engkau menyakiti saya, dan saya menangis saat itu,
dan benar-benar sakit, ya itu benar-benar menyakitkan. Tapi saya ingin
kamu tahu, kalau saya telah mengampuni kamu dan bahwa kamu tidak
memerlukan seseorang untuk minta maaf, untuk mengampuni orang lain.
Saya temukan, bahwa kalau Yesus rela mati supaya semua salahku dapat
diampuni, tentulah saya dapat memberikan kasih karunia ini juga kepada
engkau..”

Mandisa kemudian memenangkan beberapa Grammy dan Dove award dan
menelurkan beberapa album seperti It’s Christmas, Christmas Joy dan
True Beauty dan beberapa singles seperti God Speaking, Voice of a
Savior, dan lain lain.

Pagi ini saya bertemu dengan seorang kawan lama. Dia adalah seorang
mantan CEO salah satu perusahaan asuransi terbesar di Afrika Selatan,
yang kemudian di puncak karirnya memutuskan untuk datang ke Asia
Tenggara dan menjadi misionaris.

Sambil nongkrong di warung kopi, kami berbincang-bincang dan saling
berbagi pergumulan kami masing-masing. Saat saya berbicara tentang
‘kemalangan’ dan ‘ketidak-adilan’ yang baru saya alami di kantor, dia
tiba-tiba dengan semangat bercerita tentang satu kisah dari Afrika
Selatan.

Ketika pemerintahan apartheid di Afrika Selatan baru berakhir, Nelson
Mandela mengeluarkan suatu keputusan, bahwa siapapun yang dulu
melakukan kejahatan, asalkan mau mengaku di pengadilan maka akan
diputus-bebas oleh pengadilan. Nah, seperti yang Anda tahu, Afrika
Selatan adalah tanah berdarah, di mana banyak terjadi peperangan sipil
antara kulit hitam dan kulit putih. Kalau Mandela tidak mengeluarkan
keputusan itu, dapat dibayangkan berapa banyak orang yang harus masuk
penjara dan penjara akan penuh sampai 20-30 tahun ke depan.

Adalah seorang polisi bernama van de Broek mengaku bagaimana dia
menangkap seorang anak muda kulit hitam, memukuli dan menyiksanya,
sebelum kemudian dia membunuhnya. Kemudian karena mereka hendak
berpesta, mereka juga mem-‘barbeque’ anak itu. Delapan tahun kemudian
van de Broek kembali ke rumah anak itu dan menangkap bapaknya,
kemudian di depan istrinya, ibu si anak, Broek mengikat bapak tersebut
dan membakarnya hidup-hidup.

Desmond Tutu, pemenang Nobel perdamaian, mengepalai acara ‘hearing’
tersebut. Dia bertanya kepada wanita yang merupakan ibu si anak itu,
“Apa yang Anda mau dari dia?”

Ruang pengadilan itu menjadi senyap.

Wanita itu minta tiga hal. Yang pertama dia minta supaya van de Broek,
membawanya ke tempat di mana mereka dibakar dan mengumpulkan abu
mereka, supaya mereka bisa dikebumikan secara layak, dan dia ingin
Broek menghadiri acara pemakaman itu. Sang polisi itu mengangguk
setuju.

Lalu dia melanjutkan, “Tuan van de Broek telah mengambil keluarga saya
dari dia, padahal saya masih memiliki banyak kasih untuk dibagikan.
Sebulan dua kali, saya minta dia datang ke ghetto saya dan
menghabiskan sehari bersama saya, supaya saya bisa menjadi ibunya. Dan
saya ingin agar Tuan van de Broek tahu, kalau dia telah diampuni oleh
Tuhan dan bahwa saya telah mengampuni dia juga. Dan saya minta untuk
memeluk dia sekarang, agar dia tahu kalau pengampuan ini nyata….”

Spontan, orang-orang menyanyi lagu Amazing Grace di ruang pengadilan
itu, saat wanita tua itu melangkah ke depan. Tetapi Broek tidak dapat
mendengar lagu itu, dia jatuh pingsan dalam kekagetannya.

Allah juga melangkah ke dalam dunia ini waktu hari Natal. Untuk
memeluk dunia yang gelap dalam pengampunan. Dia datang sebagai bayi
kecil, agar dunia dapat melihat bahwa pengampunan itu nyata…

Feng Shui

2009-12-21T14:46:00.002+08:00

I just had an interesting accidental discussion with some of my colleagues. They were discussing my "bad luck". And the cause is clear to them. It's the feng shui.

They told me, as we just moved to a new place, and my new seat is backing the glass window, that's is the symbol of hollowness and some more I am sitting with the light that comes through the window on my rear.

I smile politely, I don't want to argue. Maybe they mean well.

But as for me, I know that it is in God's hand my destiny is. I know that for me personally the drought has attacked, and the land I stand is dry. But I will put my seeds of potato into the soil, what may dry it seem.

This year is gonna be my harvest year filled with God's blessings!

The Christmas I Want

2009-12-21T01:09:00.003+08:00

Sepanjang jalan Orchard di Singapura sudah dihiasi lagi dengan megah dan
gemerlap menyambut hari Natal ini. Orang-orang lalu lalang dengan gembira, di
tengah banyak bangunan mall-mall yang baru dan mewah.

Singapura bukan negara Kristen tentunya, dan orang Kristen tentu cuma minoritas.
Tetapi musim Natal disambut dengan gembira oleh banyak orang. Pertama-tama
karena musim liburan. Pada umumnya beban kerja di kantor menurun, holiday-mood,
lah. Orang banyak mengambil cuti, kesibukan menurun, dan siapa tidak suka
melihat hiasan-hiasan Natal yang gemerlap, Sinterklas yang lucu dan pohon Natal
yang indah. Natal, juga mendekati akhir tahun, dan kebanyakan karyawan
menantikan bonus akhir tahun mereka. Dan tentu saja, selalu ada hal yang menarik
hati yang disediakan untuk kita semua. Diskon Natal untuk Christmas fashion
terbaru, menu khusus hari Natal yang menggoda lidah, dan berbagai sale dan
diskon bertebaran.

Jadi siapa yang tidak suka hari Natal?

Benar, memang bagi banyak orang yang berbeban berat, suasana di atas tidak
banyak menolong. Karyawan yang baru dipecat, sulit untuk menghamburkan uang
untuk Christmas shopping. Orang-orang yang sakit, sulit melihat harapan di
tengah mall-mall mewah bertaburan luxury goods.

Namun suasana Natal yang gemerlap itu tentu nyaman untuk sekedar `take a break'
setelah sepanjang tahun penat membanting tulang, bagi banyak orang.

Tapi, kan, Anda mungkin menyanggah, Natal bukan soal itu, ada pesan Natal yang
sesungguhnya karena kedatangan seorang bayi di palungan 2000 tahun yang lalu…

Saya bertanya-tanya, kalau misalnya Anda sedang terjerat dan terjepit dalam
masalah yang sangat berat, lalu mendengar pesan Natal, yang itu-itu lagi, yang
sudah Anda dengar mungkin puluhan kali, akankah pesan Natal itu membawa arti
bagi Saudara?

Kita tahu, sepertinya tidak ada yang mengena di hati kita (lagi), tinggallah
Natal itu soal gemerlap hiasan lampu Natal dan Sinterklas yang lucu…

Teringatlah saya, kejadian 2000 tahun yang lalu itu, adakah hari itu benar-benar
membawa arti dan mengubah hidup banyak orang?

Ya, bagi para gembala, mereka bersuka cita dan membawa berita kesukaan besar
kepada banyak orang. Cerita tentang gembala bertemu bala tentara malaikat tentu
cepat menyebar di kota kecil itu. Tapi, tidak banyak orang "menerima" berita
itu, Alkitab cuma mencatat mereka heran. Titik. Lagipula, kalau semua orang
sekota itu dan daerah itu bertobat, 30 tahun kemudian tentu pelayanan Tuhan
Yesus akan lebih mudah.

Ya, bagi Simeon dan Hana, yang membawa berita sukacita itu di Bait Allah, saat
Yesus berumur 8 hari. Kedua orang ini tentu tidak berbicara bahasa sandi saat
itu, kesaksian mereka nyata, dan Hana adalah seorang nabi yang tinggal di dalam
Bait Allah itu sendiri. Jadi mengapa cuma dua orang di dalam Bait Allah itu yang
melihat `makna' itu dan tidak para ahli Farisi, imam-imam, ahli Taurat, dan
segala macam orang yang datang ke Bait Allah? Kalau mereka menerima Yesus pada
saat itu, tentunya mereka tidak akan mati-matian menentang Yesus, 33 tahun
kemudian…

Ya, bagi orang Majus yang mengarungi jarak yang jauh dan mempersembahkan
barang-barang mereka yang paling berharga. Tetapi tidak bagi penduduk sekitar,
yang bisa dengan mudah datang dengan berjalan kaki.

Mengapa?

Kita tahu bahwa Allah mengasihi kita, kita tahu bahwa Bayi yang datang 2000
tahun yang lalu itu adalah suatu perkara yang besar. Tetapi kenapa berita itu
sekarang tidak lagi mengena di hati kita?

Karena walau kita tahu bahwa Allah mengasihi kita, kita punya kemauan dan
keinginan akan `apa yang kita mau' dari perwujudan kasih itu. Dan apa yang kita
mau, mungkin berbeda dengan bagaimana Allah menyatakan kasihNya...

Orang-orang Yahudi menantikan datangnya Mesias selama beratus-ratus tahun, dan
dalam penindasan dan penghinaan yang berat oleh orang Romawi, tidakkah yang
mereka nantikan seorang Mesias yang perkasa, yang datang dengan Pedang dan Api
yang menyala-nyala, dan memulihkan Kerajaan Israel pada masa itu?

Bagi para orang Farisi dan ahli Taurat, tidakkah mereka berharap, bahwa Mesias
itu akan datang sebagai Imam yang megah, dalam kelebatan efod sorgawi,
diselubungi awan kemuliaan yang menggentarkan semua orang, yang kemudian akan
kemudian mengangkat para imam dan orang Farisi itu sebagai orang-orang penting
untuk menghakimi umat Allah?

Tetapi Bayi itu datang dalam keadaan sederhana, lahir di palungan. Dia menaiki
keledai saat memasuki Kota Raja, Yerusalem. Dia mengajar dan mengecam
kemunafikan para ahli Taurat dan mengajak umat Allah datang langsung kepada Bapa
mereka, dan dengan demikian membuat posisi para imam "terancam". Dia duduk
dengan anak-anak. Dia bercakap-cakap dalam bahasa Aram (ibaratnya Jowo ngoko)
dan bukan bahasa terpelajar Yunani (ibaratnya bahasa Inggris). Dan…ya ampun…dia
bergaul dengan pelacur, dia makan semeja dengan para koruptor…

Jam menunjukkan lewat tengah malam. Hening dan sepi. Lagu Natal melantun sayup
memecah keheningan. Puluhan Natal berlalu sudah.

Saya berdoa, supaya Natal ini, saya dapat melihat kasih Allah sebagaimana kasih
itu yang sejati. Seperti yang hati Allah pesankan. Bukan seperti apa yang saya
mau. Supaya saya tidak kehilangan pesan Natal itu seperti orang-orang Israel
menantikan Mesias dengan pedang, atau seperti para ahli Taurat yang kecewa
melihat kesederhanaan Kristus.

Saya ingin saya dapat melihat dan merasakan kasih itu, bagaimanapun Allah
menyatakan dan mewujudkannya dalam hidup saya.

Mungkin tak seperti yang saya mau. Mungkin tak seperti yang saya harapkan.
Mungkin tak seperti impian liar masa muda saya. Mungkin tak seperti yang akal
praktis saya paksakan. Mungkin tidak seperti yang saya pernah bahkan dapat
bayangkan.

Saya berdoa, agar saya dapat percaya. Dan melihat. Dan mengecap. Kasih Natal itu
yang sejati.

The seeds of potato

2009-12-19T05:50:00.004+08:00

I was on my way to work in the train

Still dangling in my mind what I wrote in the blog the night before

As I sat, .. suddenly..

.. yes just suddenly...

I put my seeds of potato into the dry land

And I had a moment of strange warm feeling

Short...a glimpse...but enough to bring the joy and faith

I know nothing changes

I do not need to leap into the dark

But I have changed my mind like Jacob

And one day this shall serve as a testimony

that God has always prepared something better in advance

I feel peace....

..so it comes

2009-12-18T02:07:00.002+08:00

so it comes...

you know it, that it's coming

you have been preparing and telling yourself everyday

still you feel a bit tingling

so it comes...

you know that the El Nino is coming

and the drought is felt

I just have to put my seeds of potatoes

against the nature against all hopes

...can I?

when I feel the heat?

when I am burn?

when I see no water?

Faith Like Potatoes

2009-11-29T00:28:00.002+08:00

Malam itu saya iseng jalan ke DVD rental shop langganan kami. Tadinya saya ingin pinjem Transformer, tapi ngga ada. Lalu melihat ada Harry Potters, tapi istri saya ngga setuju. Lihat-lihat lagi...tiba-tiba saya melihat ada satu DVD dengan judul yang aneh 'Faith like Potatoes'. Hmm..kelihatannya seperti agak boring, tapi ngga apalah, saya pikir.

Film itu ternyata tidak boring sama sekali, bahkan mengubahkan hidup saya. Film yang diangkat dari kisah nyata, ini berkisah tentang perjalanan Angus Buchan (http://www.shalomtrust.co.za/), seorang petani dari Afrika Selatan.

Luar biasa...

Saya bisa menulis panjang dan panjang, dari film tersebut. Tetapi untuk kali ini, biarlah sedikit saja dulu, yang saya mau tulis.

Seorang petani yang pemarah. Yang merasa beban seluruh dunia sedang ditanggungnya. Baru saja dia dipaksa keluar dari tanah pertanian-nya di Zambia karena perang, dan dengan berbekal sedikit uang, dia mencari kehidupan di Kwa Zulu, Afrika Selatan. Tak ada rumah, hanya karavan butut. Tak ada listrik dan air. Traktor yang dimilikinya dirusak oleh pegawainya. Tiap minggu, ada saja berita di mana petani kulit putih terbunuh. Istrinya sedang hamil 6 bulan, dan 3 anak lainnya masih kecil-kecil.

Jadi bagaimana?

Siang itu, setelah pertengkaran yang panjang soal dasi dengan istrinya, akhirnya dia mau juga duduk di gereja. Dan hari itu menjadi sejarah titik balik dalam hidupnya, ketika ia menyerahkan hidupnya kepada Kristus.

Siang itu juga, damai sejahtera Allah mengubah hidupnya.

Siang itu juga, dia mulai mengabarkan injil kepada orang-orang yang ditemuinya, kepada para pegawai-pegawainya.

Hidup tidak menjadi langsung mudah setelah hari konversi itu. Ladangnya terbakar, dan Angus tahu kalau api sampai melalap ke ladang sebelahnya, dia bisa diseret ke pengadilan. Di tengah keputusasaan-nya, dia mengajak mandornya, Simeon Bhengu untuk berdoa meminta hujan. Simeon cuma berkata dengan bingung bahwa sekarang bukan musim hujan. Jadilah Angus berdoa sendiri.

Satu jam kemudian.

Hujan lebat itu turun dan api itu padam.

Iman Angus pun tumbuh dari hari ke hari. Ladang jagungnya menjadi gereja hijau-nya, tempat dia bercakap-cakap dengan Allah...

Blood Pressure Chart

2009-11-10T21:56:00.000+08:00

from http://www.vaughns-1-pagers.com/medicine/blood-pressure.htm

Melukis Kasih Karunia

2009-10-19T14:07:00.001+08:00

Saya belajar melukis. Ya, ngga tahu apakah terlalu telat untuk orang seusia saya? Waktu kecil saya suka menggambar dan mencorat-coret. Entah berapa kali saya dimarahi papa karena menggambari dinding rumah, dan karena lama tidak dicat ulang, corat-coret itu terdampar di sana untuk waktu yang cukup lama. Waktu tambah besar, saya mengerti kalau menggambar itu harus di atas kertas, dan mama saya suka memuji kalau gambar saya bagus.

Saya berhenti melukis waktu kelas 2 SMA kalau tidak salah. Yang saya ingat, guru seni rupa saya mengacung-acungkan lukisan saya di depan kelas dan mengejek-ejeknya serta mempermalukan saya di depan murid-murid.

Sejak itu saya selalu berpikir kalau saya tidak bisa melukis. Saya tidak punya bakat.

Dan waktu pun berlalu.

Sebulan yang lalu saya iseng menemukan kursus melukis di sebuah website. Benar-benar kebetulan, karena saya menemukan link-nya di Google Ads Word di dalam Gmail. Lebih kebetulan lagi, tidak lama setelah itu saya ketemu makan siang dengan kawan saya, seorang Professor di Singapore Management University, setelah lama sekali tak bersua. Ngobrol-ngobrol kanan kiri atas bawah, saya tiba-tiba iseng menyebutkan soal kursus melukis. Singkat cerita dia juga tertarik, dan jadilah kita berdua mendaftar untuk ikut kelas permulaan. It’s acrylic on canvas. Kalau tidak ada temannya, mungkin saya tidak berani mendaftar.

Nah, tulisan ini bukan artikel tentang teknik melukis, ya. Saya cuma tertarik dan terperanjat ketika instruktur kami (seorang seniman impressionist) mengatakan, “Melukis itu tergantung dari bagaimana kamu melihat dan bukan dari keahlian tangan…yang penting itu harus melihat dengan benar, karena kalau kamu melihat dengan benar, niscaya tangan akan mengikuti…”

Saya jadi melihat analoginya dalam hidup. Kalau kita melihat dengan benar, maka tangan kita akan melukis dengan baik pula. Kalau apa yang kita percayai benar, maka hidup kita akan benar pula. If we’re believing right, then we will live right.

Kalau saja kita tahu, melihat dan mengecap betapa dahsyat dan tak berkesudahan dan tanpa pamrih, kasih karunia Tuhan, hidup kita akan diliputi dengan kekuatan ajaib untuk hidup benar. Mana yang akan membuat kita hidup benar? Apakah aturan-aturan agamawi dan hukum-hukum serta ketakutan akan api neraka? Ataukah kelimpahan kasih karunia, pengampunan tak berkesudahan, kebaikan tanpa pamrih yang akan mendorong kita hidup benar?

Penghakiman dan hukum penuh dengan tuduhan dan daftar kesalahan. Seperti guru seni rupa saya di atas, ketika dia mengacung-acungkan “keburukan” lukisan saya. Demikian juga, dalam hidup, selalu ada oknum yang tak hentinya menuduh kita, mendakwa kita, mencap kita “tidak layak” dan mengacung-acungkannya di depan pikiran kita.
Tapi, lihatlah.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, kata surat Roma 8:1. Ngga ada lagi penghukuman, kita udah bebas. Kita hidup dalam kasih karunia. Kita hidup karena kita melihat dan mengalami dan hidup di dalam Roh dan berbuah. Ngga ada hukum yang bisa menentang itu, kata Galatia 5: 23.

Kalau kamu melihat dengan benar, tanganmu akan mengikuti…..

Kalau kita dapat melihat dan merasakan dan mengalami betapa besar kasih karunia Allah, maka kaki dan tangan kita akan mengikuti….

*****
Singapura, Oktober 2009
Dedicated to my dearest wife, RP.
Thanks too to GT (SMU) & CK (myartspace).

God, Prosperity and Reality

2009-09-21T20:48:00.005+08:00

I had an interesting encounter recently, that more or less giving me some answer to a neverending question I have, in regard to mega church, prosperity theology and reality.

I attend a few mega churches and as commonly they are, they encourage the building of wealth as God's will. If you ask me, I think they are men of God (at least those that I attend or know), they are God's chosen servant notwithstanding the fact that it does not mean that ALL their teaching is correct. Neither does it mean, that all they say, behave, or their church policy is all accurate. I think they all are possible making mistake both in their teaching and thought.

Sounds like contradicting? Well, I think we all now see the blur reflection on the mirror, till the day we'll see God face to face. That day, we'll understand him fully, not as now.

Now, coming back to this prosperity problem, I always have problems. Some are just logical dilemmas. For example:

If you teach that God wants the best property for us, i.e finding house for us. Mind you, the preacher spesifically said, the best in town for us. This lead to a mathematical problem, because the best is only one, and there are more than one Christian in town
Mathematically, you can't have all members to be rich persons. And economically, some professions can't compete with others. For example, being a teacher or a maid, would make it incomparable to compete with a Wall Street analyst or bankers. So, how would a member who coincidentally is a taxi driver feel about the teaching?
Case studies in pulpit are always about the 'absolute' rich people. The preacher would proudly announce how he knows this and that rich Indonesian businessmen, of the replica house like White house, etc. I understand marketing and packaging. The moment you share a story about a maid. that she feels so financially blessed, because today she could earn additional $10, would just really piss off most the attendees.
Biblically, they love to quote all examples of rich people and forgetting the case that Jesus himself, Paul, etc were not typical Warren Buffet of the day.
Just take a quick surveys..most of the richest in town or country, they are not Christian. Forbes would agree with me.

I had a long day and in the middle of tense anxiety. Very tense. And very worried. That night I took a cab. I chatted with the taxi driver, whose name and race is not really typical in Singapore. 80% of my experience listening to taxi driver is that they always complain and bicker about their job and the hard life they go through. So now I started with this topic.

He shared with me, that he drives cab after being retrenched from his company after the Asian Financial Crisis. He shared how his skill is useless, because he doesn't have paper. I shared with him too, that's life in Singapore is tough, bla bla bla..that I might think to go back to my homeland, bla bla bla, at least I could start a business, bla bla. He agreed with me, that starting a business in Singapore is tough.

So suddenly I saw that piece of cross made of paper hanging in front. Casually I asked if he goes to church. He replied yes, and yeah...he goes to one of the biggest mega church in town, which I attend too. So, we chatted more openly.

So he started to share, how intially he was reluctant to drive after being retrenched, till he surrendered to God, and how God has miraculously been taking care of him. He doesn't drive every Sunday, that is a loss of $480 of taxi rental, yet he is still able to give tithing in between $400-450 per month. One day his son decided that he wanted to go to university, he did not have any money, he trusted God. Thereafter the problem was solved, as his son got a loan from the bank. He shared with me the little things God help him daily, like the fact that he got me as passenger, as it is the same way he was going home.

He was full of energy of excitement when he shared this. "Just rest...don't need to do anything to be blessed by God.." shared he enthusiastically. "God will provide..." Of course, what he meant not just sleeping at home. "And for you, if you want to be here, you don't worry, 'cause God will provide..."

I asked a rethorical question if he felt bitter because he drives taxi now, as oppose he used to work in office. The answer is clear of course...he sees this as his life calling....

The taxi reached my place. He smiled at me, when I paid. Inside the dark cab, I had a strange sight, perhaps just my eyes. I saw as if his face was celestially glowing in the dark.

I kept on thinking about it that night and talked about it with my wife. I never hear in those mega churches, how they would be proud of God's way to bless the realtively-not-rich people financially. It is awkward if they share in their spectacular pulpit, stories about taxi driver or maid or teacher in the context of prosperity theology. Because their concept about prosperity and/or financial is absolute. A dollar is significantly different with a million dollars. Or even they do not really think it is absolute, they cannot share the story of the little ones.

I somehow see from different perspective from now on. I see how God's invisible hand work miraculously in interpreting the pulpit's message to all His little lambs. God has His way, he knows what's happening and know what to do. The little ones, by God's grace, will see the light himself, and find the ways as God opens them.

I believe wholeheartedly that God blesses us in every way as He pleases. That includes money. But the metrics for that does not follow man's principle. God knows what is best for us. It might be a CEO post in Lehman or any Wall Street, it might be a five digits salary in USD, it could be that he blesses us while we drive taxi, yet He will make us lifted.

I know, were I be the one became taxi driver, I would feel bitter to God and would see it as a failure. And maybe the mega church pulpit would think the same too. But really, God cannot be packaged into our own formula.

I would think that God was a failure when Jacob had to migrate to Egypt to escape the famine. I mean...He is Almighty...and if I were the prosperity teacher then, I would teach that, in Jacob's land, there should be miracle, that their crops will yield harvest, even though the lands next to them were all destroyed. But He is not. The Bible said, that that was God's way. He prepared Joseph long way back to prepare this sophisticated salvage mission. I might think otherwise, that God should just make some miracle and open the heaven's gate, what is so difficult?

But that's not His way. And Jacob, old age, before Pharaoh said, "The years of my sojourning are 130—a short and hard life and not nearly as long as my ancestors were given."

Jacob, the man who cheated his brother in the chase of prosperity finally found the real prosperity.

always be nice

2009-09-13T10:42:00.002+08:00

i have learned some lessons throughout the recent titanic episode. it's quite sad perhaps, that i think the lesson is a basic one.

always be nice to everyone.
you never know, who will stretch their hands to reach you when the titanic starts to sink. one touched my hand and told me 'relax, God is watching us' despite i had numerous fights with the person. the other one said 'don't let them look down on you, you have to know that you are good..' despite i ever had hours on the phone quarelling. one just came into my room said nothing..but 'how are you' with the face expressing deep sympathy. one sent sms-es from outside, despite we were not that close when we were on the same ship, 'things happen for a reason, keep faith in god'. the funny thing, i don't even know what religion those people are who mentioned god, yet it was just so nice.

use brain and be rationale all the time (this one i got it from my seefoo).
the persons that i have tried to be over-nice, were the ones that then put the darts on my back. the fact that i was hurt, because perhaps i was not sincere then, i was nice to them to get their support during my reign time. lesson, don't need to overdo it...

so, in future, just be nice to everyone in sincerity.

There's a reason

2009-08-29T16:17:00.000+08:00

There's a reason for the life given by the Son now there's a second chance for me
Oh lamb of God I am standing in the light
Pray all the world will see
May all I do glorify your name
That's the reason you made me...

There's a reason for everything
Some we may know, most we don't know
Some we don't need to know, some we really need to know
..to hold and uphold it...

...he also needs to....

2009-08-25T09:51:00.002+08:00

in the middle of situation on which i felt nervous, i got this word of encouragement.

"...he is only a man, and like you and me...he also needs to shit and goes to the toilet...."

aha...so wise my godfather is :)

Every Single Step

2009-07-29T16:26:00.003+08:00

" a Mont Blanc is conqured not by 'going to the top' but by setting up the next base, every single step" (Jean-Paul Sablerolle, 2009)

a happy family

2009-07-23T20:31:00.007+08:00

guess the picture says it all...

waktu

2009-05-28T22:39:00.001+08:00

"....kecepatan waktu melebihi kilat, namun lambatnya mengalahkan kelambatan seekor keong ,,," (Siang Bok Khiam Episode 21, Kho Ping Hoo)

Everybody is normal

2009-05-25T22:39:00.002+08:00

Everybody is normal until you get to know them, said Ferry Irawan Tantono. I suddenly remember what he said as I was looking at the rushing people walking on the street.

Duka Ketidakpastian

2009-05-25T22:34:00.000+08:00

Saya baru saja membaca sebuah artikel yang ditulis Daniel Gilbert, seorang Profesor Psikologi dari Harvard University, judulnya “The unbearable angst of uncertainty”. Di situ dia menulis tentang sebuah eksperimen yang dilakukan peneliti dari Maastricht University di Belanda yang melakukan penelitian pada sekelompok orang dengan memberikan 20 kejutan listrik. Kepada satu kelompok, para peneliti memberitahukan bahwa akan ada 17 kejutan ringan dan 3 kejutan berat, sedangkan kelompok yang lain hanya tahu bahwa mereka akan menerima semua kejutan berat. Hasil penelitian menunjukkan bahwa kelompok yang justru tahu bahwa mereka cuma menerima 3 kejutan berat, ternyata lebih takut dan kuatir. Jantung mereka berdetak cepat dan mereka berkeringat dingin.

Ini karena orang cenderung lebih stress kala mereka mengetahui kalau sesuatu yang buruk mungkin terjadi, daripada mengetahui sesuatu yang buruk akan terjadi. Kebanyakan orang ternyata, kalau mereka tahu sesuatu yang buruk akan terjadi, walau pada awalnya mereka akan terpukul, setelah beberapa saat mereka akan mulai menerima kenyataan dan bersiap untuk memperoleh yang terbaik dari keadaan yang terburuk.

Ketidakpastian itu adalah beban yang menusuk. Saya jadi ingat satu cerita lagi. Tentang seorang kriminal di Amerika yang divonis hukuman mati. Setelah mencoba pelbagai usaha untuk naik banding, vonisnya tidak berubah. Akan tetapi pada hari H-nya, hukumannya ditunda. Penundaan ini bukan hanya sekali, tetapi berkali-kali. Entah mengapa, mungkin karena ada kesalahan administrasi. Akhirnya pada hari yang dinanti-nantikan, setelah dengan pasrah, si pesakitan siap menerima nasib...eh....ternyata dibatalkan lagi! Akhirnya saking kesalnya dia malah balik menuntut pemerintah AS, karena dianggap lalai dan menunda-nunda hukuman matinya.

Salah satu duri ketidakpastian adalah karena kita tidak tahu apa yang mesti kita lakukan. Saya ingat, ketika saya memulai bisnis saya. Ternyata tidak berhasil baik. Saya sempat stress. Bukan semata karena usaha saya yang tidak berhasil, tapi karena saya tergantung dalam dilema, dan terjebak dalam lubang kebingungan. Mestikah saya terus bertahan dan menghabiskan uang tabungan saya? Mestikah saya berhenti saja dan kembali jadi karyawan? Kedua-dua langkah mengandung resiko. Jadi berbulan-bulan saya stress karena ketidakpastian, tidak pasti saya akan ke mana, atau apa yang akan terjadi pada saya.

Ketidakpastian, tentu adalah tema sehar-hari sekarang. Dengan krisis ekonomi global ini, tidak jelas apa yang akan terjadi pada pasar saham besok. Mendengar berita PHK di negara-negara paling makmur sekalipun, tidak pasti berapa lama kita bisa duduk di bangku kantor. Mendengar berita flu ini-flu itu, tidak jelas kapan epideminya akan meledak, atau entah virus baru apa lagi besok datang.

Ketidakpastian sekarang bukan hanya melanda orang miskin, tetapi juga orang kaya. Bukan hanya orang tidak berpendidikan, tetapi juga orang-orang pintar. Orang lemah atau berkuasa.

Yesus mengerti. Dunia tidak dapat menyelesaikan persoalan ketidakpastian ini. Selama kita menaruh harap dan rasa aman kita pada sistem dunia, kita tidak akan pernah merasa damai. Itulah sebabnya Dia bersabda, “Damai sejahtera Kutinggalkan bagimu. Damai sejahtera-Ku Kuberikan kepadamu, dan apa yang Kuberikan tidak seperti yang diberikan oleh dunia kepadamu. Janganlah gelisah dan gentar hatimu.”

Mungkin tidak ada jawaban instan akan masalah ketidakpastian kita, begitu kita selesai mengucapkan ‘Amin’ dalam doa kita. Namun satu hal pasti, Tuhan bilang, Dia akan berikan kita damai sejahtera yang bukan dari dunia ini. Yang tidak dimengerti dunia ini. Yang ‘kan berikan kekuatan kepada kita untuk terus melangkah.

Kembali pada kisah di atas tentang pengalaman saya. Ya, Tuhan menolong saya. Dan bulan-bulan yang saya habiskan dalam kekuatiran dan stress, sebetulnya sia-sia saja.

Kampung Kenangan Mei

2009-05-09T01:58:00.001+08:00

"Tuhan menciptakan manusia itu dalam kerapuhannya sehingga dapat dilukai, dan bangsa kita telah lama hidup dengan sekujur luka. Namun Tuhan juga menganugerahkan kekuatan untuk kita mengampuni, seperti jarum emas dengan benang bajanya menjahit teguh segala luka kebencian, amarah dan kesalahpahaman. Biarlah kenangan ini kan diingat tidak lagi dalam luka, namun dalam cinta dan pengampunan abadi."

Buluh Yang Terkulai

2009-03-08T11:54:00.003+08:00

Semilir angin laut pantai utara Jawa menghembus mukaku. Sedikit menghibur dan menghalau rasa galau di hati. Aku menghela nafas. Kesal? Menyesal? Entahlah aku sendiri tak tahu apa yang aku risaukan.

Sudah beberapa minggu ini aku tinggal di komplek asrama sekolah pelayaran ini. Selepas wisuda sebagai lulusan terbaik dari Universitas di kota ini juga, aku tidak menduga, kalau aku harus memperpanjang masa tinggalku di kota ini. Kota yang gersang, panas. Lain dengan kampung halamanku yang dingin dan sejuk. Kota yang sudah kudiami selama empat tahun terakhir sampai lulus kuliah, tapi tetap rasanya tidak dapat membuatku betah. Ah, aku mengeluh. Kalau saja, beasiswa master-ku diterima di Eindhoven, Belanda. Mungkin pagi ini aku terbangun dengan bunga-bunga tulip menyapa di jendelaku. Atau kalau lamaran beasiswa Monbusho-ku diterima pemerintah Jepang, aku sudah berjalan-jalan di tengah-tengah padang bunga sakura.

Tapi, ya sudahlah. Dalam kebingungan dan kekecewaanku, satu-satunya tawaran yang ada adalah untuk membantu mengajar “Rangkaian Listrik” dan “Elektronika” di sekolah pelayaran ini. Dan di sinilah aku sekarang.

Hari-hari pertama agak sulit, aku mesti menyesuaikan diri dengan suasana dan ‘budaya’ sekolah itu yang belum pernah aku alami. Aku menyadari tentu cara dosen-dosenku mengajar dulu, tidak bisa diterapkan di sini. Tapi menarik juga, banyak dari mereka datang dari pelosok-pelosok jauh. Datang dengan cita-cita dan tekad. Banyak dari mereka datang dengan latar belakang kehidupan keras dan tidak mudah. Aku berusaha juga untuk mengenal dan dekat dengan mereka, dalam beberapa minggu ini.

****
Malam itu aku terbangun oleh suara huru-hara. Berisik sekali di komplek asrama ini oleh suara riuh rendah dan teriakan orang-orang. Aku keluar dari kamar pengap-ku, cuma mengenakan sarung dan kaos oblong, mencoba mencari tahu apa yang terjadi.

Kilatan sinar senter berkelebatan di mana-mana.

Aku melihat Jati, salah seorang muridku datang tergopoh-gopoh dengan muka pucat.
“Pak, pak...ada yang mati....”

Sekejap saraf-sarafku terjaga dan aku pulih total dari rasa ngantuk-ku.
“Kenapa? Sopo?”

“Jason...dibunuh, Pak....” Mengucapkan kata itu, suara Jati terdengar gemetar. Dan pemuda yang tinggi kekar hitam itu jadi kelihatan seperti anak kucing ketakutan.

Aku tidak menyahut, tapi buru-buru berlari ke pusat kerumunan.

Tuhan. Aduh! Aduh....!

Aku tidak tahu mesti merasa apa. Di situ aku melihat Jason, salah satu muridku sudah tergeletak, bergelimang dengan darah. Aku belum pernah melihat darah tercecer sebanyak itu.

“Ayo – ayo semua minggir! Ambulan sudah dipanggil, semua minggir!” Aku melihat Pak Lasno, salah satu dosen senior, berteriak-teriak berusaha membubarkan kerumunan.

Aku menepi sesaat. Rasanya tidak percaya, beberap hari pertamaku sudah disambut dengan kejadian seperti ini.

Sekelompok murid-muridku mendekatiku. Tidak jelas lagi siapa mereka, tapi satu-satu berusaha menjelaskan apa yang terjadi.

“Dia dibunuh Lontar, Pak...”
“Awalnya Jason menghina dan mempermainkan dia, Pak....”

Setelah beberapa saat, kurang lebih aku tahu duduk ceritanya. Lontar anak dusun dari kepulauan timur, anak miskin yang sederhana. Tidak jelas bagaimana awal mulanya, yang jelas Jason –anak dari Jakarta dan anak pejabat juga- bertengkar dengan Lontar. Lalu mengancam Lontar dengan pisaunya, mungkin memperolok-oloknya. Dan akhirnya...Jason yang terkapar dengan pisaunya sendiri tertancap di perutnya.

Ya, aku ingat Jason, anak yang suka bicara, dan besar mulut, sementara Lontar aku ingat satu anak pendiam, lusuh dan kelihatan bodoh dan kampungan.

“Mas Henry, ayo mas ikut bantu sini...” Sekonyong-konyong Bu Tuti, salah satu dosen senior memanggilku.

Ternyata Lontar naik ke tingkat atas salah satu bangunan, berdiri di jendela, bersiap-siap hendak meloncat dan mengakhiri hidupnya. Kami bergegas lari, terengah-engah mendaki tangga. Ruangan di mana dia berada terkunci rapat. Ramai kami berusaha menggedor pintunya. Aku melihat wajah-wajah bingung para dosen yang lain. Keriput muka Pak Lasno dan Bu Tuti, seolah mengatakan mereka tidak sanggup mendobrak pintu itu. Mereka menatapku, mungkin karena aku yang paling muda, dan diharapkan untuk melakukannya.

Aku tidak tahu apa yang harus kulakukan. Entah mengapa tiba-tiba aku melihat sekelebat bayangan, gambar sebuah laci besar yang kosong. Kosong dan hampa.

“Lontar!” Aku berteriak dan memukul pintu sekuat tenagaku. “Dengarkan..!”

Dan aku pun berkata-kata seperti orang gila....

“Hidupmu seperti kosong dan hampa...tapi belum berakhir....dengarkan baik-baik. Tuhan Yesus sanggup beri kau kekuatan, biarkan Dia masuk di hatimu. Jangan putus asa....Dia kan isi hidupmu lagi...Dia kan penuhi hidupmu......baru lagi....”

Hening.

Aku berusaha tidak memandang wajah para dosen yang lain, yang memandangku dengan kebingungan.

Hening. Menit-menit merangkak seperti berabad-abad.

Tiba-tiba terdengar bunyi gerendel dibuka. Aku melihat wajah Lontar bersimbah air mata. Tubuhnya bersimbah darah. Hanya aku melihat damai di matanya.

Dia berjalan pelan, lalu berlari arahku, berlutut dan memeluk kakiku. Terisak-isak, meleleh air matanya.

******
Jujur saja, malam itu aku sungguh-sungguh berdoa, agar Tuhan memberikan mukjizat untuk membangkitkan Jason. Aku berdoa, berteriak-teriak, sisa malam itu, agar mukjzat itu dikabulkan.

Tapi itu tidak terjadi.

Jason dikebumikan sekitar seminggu setelah itu. Lontar diajukan ke pengadilan. Aku tidak mengikuti lagi, cuma aku mendengar cerita bagaimana dia dipukuli sampai hampir mati oleh oknum-oknum, bagaimana suasana pengadilan cukup mengharukan, bagaimana dia berlutut memohon ampun kepada orang tua Jason.

Hidup membawaku ke belokan lain, ternyata. Aku tiba-tiba mendapat tawaran beasiswa untuk melanjutkan studiku di National University of Singapore. Belasan tahun lewat, dan aku sudah melupakan peristiwa itu. Ketika tiba-tiba aku mendengar kabar, seorang penginjil muda yang perkasa di daerah Soe, di kepulauan timur. Namanya Lontar.

Aku merenung. Secara jasmani, saat dia menerima Tuhan Yesus malam itu, tidak ada mukjizat. Kalau saja Jason tidak jadi mati, tentu hukumannya tidak berat, malah mungkin bisa saja tidak ke pengadilan. Tapi, Jason tetap meninggal, dan Lontar menghabiskan bertahun-tahun di pengadilan dengan segala siksaannya. Tapi saat itu, entah bagaimana Yesus sanggup memberikan dia ‘hidup’, walaupun dari luar kelihatannya seperti tidak ada yang berubah. Dia tetap dihukum. Sama seperti Daud yang merasa lega setelah memohon ampun setelah membunuh Uria, walau toh dia tetap dihukum. Anak pertamanya tetap mati, dan kelak Absalom memberontak.

Aku juga tidak mengerti bagaimana serentetan kalimatku yang kacau balau di depan pintu, malam berdarah itu – bisa dimengerti oleh Lontar.

Yesus, sepertinya penuh misteri. Atau lebih baik aku katakan, aku tidak sanggup menyelami Dia. Buluh yang terkulai tidak Dia patahkan.

*****

life to the fullest

2009-01-28T00:09:00.002+08:00

time flies, swift.
I have now looked through the window at the height of corporate ladder.
A seat, I know, I am always ready to lose anytime, within 24 hours.
A place, I know, will never make me secure.

Somehow, I remember people I have met in the past.
I still sense their passion over what they are doing
It seems they live a hakunamatata kinda life
They live their dream
They did not go into main stream like the crowd. Taking 'profitable' degree, such as business, engineering, and making career and money, as the focus of their energy. No.

Some devote their life for social and political studies. Some become professor. Some devote their life for humanity and human rights cause. Some become (probably) the next ruler's advisor.

I feel they all live a meaningful life. Life to the fullest. They are doing what they love, free from what the crowds chase. They choose life over money and social status.

It must be a dream

2008-08-11T16:11:00.003+08:00

I tried to register myself in the aamc/mcat
This may be a long shot of 17 years struggle
Still no place for me to sit in for the exam

The toil given to men
To find out what they need to do significantly
Is just too much

It must be a dream and I have to let it go

It must be a dream...(17 years passed..)

2008-07-23T23:46:00.000+08:00

Dear xxx,

We're so glad that you were earlier able to attend a XXX admissions seminar. We hope what was shared with you at the seminar has been helpful to you, and that you have had a chance to explore our website for more information.

If you have decided to apply or are keen on applying in the near future, please do email us and let us know. We would be pleased to provide assistance with your questions about applications and admissions.

If, on the other hand, you are hesitant to apply or have decided that the XXX MD program is not for you, would you perhaps let us know why as well? We would very much like to understand the concerns of prospective students like yourself, so we would really like your feedback and comments.We look forward to hearing from you soon.

Best wishes,
Admissions Department

Kidung Cinta Sulaiman

2007-09-02T22:50:00.000+08:00

Biarkan aku direngkuh erat hatimu
dalam peluk kukuh lenganmu
karena cinta kuat seperti maut
hasratnya tak teredam alam kubur
Cinta membakar bagai hangus api
laksana nyala yang membara
Tiada air dapat memadamkan
tiada sungai dapat menyapunya
Tak dapat dia dibeli, tak dapat dia dijual
namun karena cinta kita rela menyerahkan
...
...
...
segalanya

(Kidung Agung Sulaiman 8: 6-7; HSL 'tuk RP)

Anywhere is - Enya

2007-02-16T18:26:00.000+08:00

I walk the maze of moments
But everywhere I turn to
Begins a new beginning
But never finds a finish
I walk to the horizon
And there I find another
It all seems so surprising
And then I find that I know

Chorus:
You go there youre gone forever
I go there Ill lose my way
If we stay here were not together
Anywhere is

The moon upon the ocean
Is swept around in motion
But without ever knowing
The reason for its flowing
In motion on the ocean
The moon still keeps on moving
The waves still keep on waving
And I still keep on going

Chorus

I wonder if the stars sign
The life that is to be mine
And would they let their light shine
Enough for me to follow
I look up to the heavens
But night has clouded over
No spark of constellation
No vela no orion

The shells upon the warm sands
Have taken from their own lands
The echo of their story
But all I hear are low sounds
As pillow words are weaving
And willow waves are leaving
But should I be believing
That I am only dreaming

Chorus

To leave the thread of all time
And let it make a dark line
In hopes that I can still find
The way back to the moment
I took the turn and turned to
Begin a new beginning
Still looking for the answer
I cannot find the finish
Its either this or that way
Its one way or the other
It should be one direction
It could be on reflection
The turn I have just taken
The turn that I was making
I might be just beginning
I might be near the end.

3 mimpi aneh di hainan

2006-12-21T13:12:00.000+08:00

satu malam saat aku berada di xing long, pulau laut selatan atau hainan dao, aku mengalami 3 mimpi aneh berturut-turut dalam satu malam.

yang pertama aku melihat seorang tentara yang sangat kelelahan dan keadaannya mengenaskan. dia dipapah untuk masuk tenda atau sebuah barak. baru masuk sebentar, tiba2 ia ditarik lagi keluar/diseret oleh tentara yang lain dan disuruh untuk pergi lagi ke medan perang. sungguh kasihan!

yang kedua, aku melihat seseorang dengan tenang sedang mengatur parade pertunjukan, dan yang berbaris adalah kupu2. Ya, kupu2. Berbaris dengan teratur dan melakukan manuver2 seperti yang diatur oleh orang itu. sungguh ajaib!

yang ketiga, aku melihat seorang malaikat, angel. A celestial being. Dalam wujud yang eksotik dan indah. Dia turun dari sorga dan meletakkan tangannya di dada/hatiku. Lalu aku merasakan suatu perasaan kasih sayang dan damai yang sangat dalam. sungguh sangat indah!

aku terbangun dan merenung, apa arti ketiga mimpi itu. mungkinkah: rest, patience and love?

satu hidup satu hari

2006-12-19T14:11:00.000+08:00

satu hari itu seperti hidup
subuh saat fajar merekah, seperti seorang bayi merekah dalam kehidupan baru
di tangannya lembar putih masih kosong
di tangannya satu hari masih tersedia
pagi-pagi, kita bersiap2, mandi, makan pagi...
umur muda, kita bermain, bersekolah, ah..senangnya

pukul 10 atau 11, mentari bersinar riang, langit biru
harapan masih panjang
boleh bersuka dalam keceriaan masa muda
mencoba ini itu
naik gunung, naik sepeda, berkelana di bawah laut
jatuh pun tak apa
hari masih panjang utk menyembuhkan lukamu

Jam 12, jam makan siang.
Orang mulai bergegas makan siang
bersiap untuk menghabiskan paruh kehidupan berikutnya

--ah sudahlah---

Dan aku membuka seluruh dompetku dan simpananku
untuk membeli bakpao basah itu
Aku menyelamatkan si gadis kecil
dan aku akan jaga dia sampai hari senja

Aku tidak lagi berpikir untuk mencari uang
supaya bisa minum kopi $6 di starbuck jam 3-4 sore nanti

Aku cuma ingin hidup tenang sampai mentari senja menjemputku
Tuanku membeli hidupku sebelum aku lahir

Dan asalkan aku tahu, sampai malam nanti, aku berjalan bersama Tuanku
Karena setelah malam lewat, aku akan berjumpa Tuanku

sometimes, somewhere

2006-10-24T23:36:00.000+08:00

pagi yg enak. aku lagi breakfast sama handy dan budi di east coast. mau sepeda2an sebentar lagi. ngobrol panjang banget. aku bilang tulisanku yg seringkali bertemakan shattered dreams ga cocok utk orang2 tertentu. misalnya utk orang2 panen kota, aku pikir.

aku cerita ttg seorang senior di gerejaku yg hidupnya SEMPURNA. dia lahir dari ayah dan ibu pendeta. ayahnya adalah seorang dokter juga. hidupnya berkecukupan secara materi. dia sekolah di australi dan lulus dengan baik. di sana dia menemukan seorang gadis manis lembut baik, dan mereka menikah dan pindah ke singapur. dia tidak pernah bergumul cari kerja, dipecat dlsbnya. karirnya mulus di sana dan dia begitu menikmati pekerjaannya. dia punya tiga anak yang lucu2 dan sempurna. satu kakaknya di melbourne menjadi pendeta dan dosen. satu lagi menjadi dosen di semarang. dia sendiri menjadi pendeta english service. dia begitu sempurna dan terhormat.

kalau saja tuhan kasih hidupku sepuluh persen dari dia. aku sudah puas. sungguh.

aku tahu bahwa tulisan2ku ttg pergumulan dan kepedihan tidak akan pernah dimaksudkan utk golongan org2 seperti itu. memang ada orang2 yg tuhan pilih masuk golongan itu.

sorenya kami ke panen kota. ketemu yoseph yg jadi editor newsletter. ngomong sana sini aku cerita aku bikin beberapa tulisan dari khotbahnya ps kong. eh setelah dia lihat tulisan2ku yg lain dia menghargai. aku kaget juga. tak disangka tulisanku diterima di kalangan panen kota...

.....how stupid can you be?

2006-09-24T16:29:00.000+08:00

.....how stupid can you be?
Can't you tell if someone's really in love with you,
or just playing around?"

kisah 2 martyr

2006-09-15T17:53:00.000+08:00

What's next? says:
simple story...here it goes...

What's next? says:
suatu malem ada 2 orang martyr satu masih muda, satu udah tua. Si martyr muda mencoba membakar jarinya sendiri dengan obor di penjara , karena dia ingin tau gimana sakitnya hari esok. Namun ternyata dia tidak tahan. dia mengeluh: bagaimana mungkin aku bisa tahan dibakar besok? apakah aku akan menyangkal Tuhanku?

What's next? says:
martyr tua yng bijaksana berkata: kau tak usah khawatir tentang esok. esok Tuhan akan memberikan kita kemampuan untuk setia sehingga kita tidak perlu memakai kekuatan sendiri...

loneliness

2006-08-21T23:08:00.000+08:00

ini tulisan temen gua, sesama penulis di sebuah majalah.
haeh...emang susah jadi orang melan. kadang gua merasa jadi orang melan itu seperti kutukan, which is seperti yang gibran bilang. yah, niwae gua bersukur deh kayanya masih ada orang2 melan yg jadi temen gua...dan tentu ada satu temen yg selalu gua cuekin tapi selalu setia
*********

g hari ini ngobrol sama orang2 yang ngerasa hidupnya lonely, dari yang udah married ampe single yang nggak laku2. dari yang sakit gak sembuh2 sampe denger my customer yang tajir abizzz yg ngerasa idupnya empty banget.

Just learning that people from all walks of life, experience this terrible feeling trus parahnya kalo lo yang melankolik, wah cepet banget ngerasa sendirian. Setelah ngobrol2 ama beberapa orang di telepon dan ketemu face to face..koq g jadi ikutan ngerasa lonely :( ditambah settingnya mendukung: matahari yang mulai tenggelam dan pohon2 di jalan pasirkaliki yang kayanya udah mati dan nggak dirawat.

Pikir2 aneh juga populasi penduduk dunia kan makin banyak ...koq loneliness makin meningkat , theorinya sih makin banyak orang, dunia ini jadi tambah hangat. Tapi nyatanya kan gak begitu

Setelah dipikir2 lagi kita nggak boleh terlalu fokus ama diri sendiri kali yah, terus g inget ada seseorang yang dipojok nungguin g....(ini bahasa puitisnya) ..orang itu Tuhan Yesus yang sering g cuekin dan sering g anggep nomor 2 walaupun g sering nyanyi Jesus is the sweetest among all and I talk abt Him much dari omongan dan tulisan g....tapi g nyadar g jarang communicate ama Dia dan gilanya g sering ngerasa I know much about Him, my knowledge cukup banyak tentang Dia and I thought I was Ok.

So jadi g say sorry ama my Jesus....kebayang khan Dia tuh somebody yang very important n great n powerfu tool tapi g suka ngelakuin Dia kaya Dia itu nobody yang gak pernah diajak ngomong n kalo diajak communicate itu pun kalo g kepepet atau pas g kena sial. So it is good to have a lonely feeling today....g bisa ngerti there's no reason to be lonely karena Jesus ada next to me and He cares abt me.
oleh: temen gua

Gibran on tomorrow....

2006-08-20T00:04:00.000+08:00

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?
And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?
(Gibran)

Gosh....seems Gibran understood Jesus much more than the "saints" I know....

it must be a dream...

2006-07-27T22:42:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is the last day of MCAT registration date for this year intake test.
still don't know what to do. this has been an insistent struggle for the past 15 years or so. to pursue or to let go.

I even poured on a chapter in my book about this shattered dream. 'it must be a dream' - also based on one my most favourite J-movie, Summer Snow. A story about Ryoko Hirosue who wanted to be able to live healthily and go for diving.

I don't know. I wish there's such thing called reincarnation of which we could take a second chance. Or perhaps we just have to realize this place on earth ain't too comfortable to live in.

I don't know. Should I let go the moon, knowing that I could not fly and then continue enjoying the sand, the tree and the water. Should I find all ways to reach the moon, climbing the mountain, jumping every day? How do I know that that dream is a moon or just an oak tree?

I don't know. Still. 15 years have passed. Wish I were born in a rich family. Sigh.

....
...
...
..
.

it's 2304 hrs now.
i go thru some MCAT simulation online. Going thru a few Biological Sciences questions. Damn it! I can't even understand what it's all about. How could I expect a school in kampong by the river can equip its student to answer international english test, of which the student has not touched the text book for 15 years. :(
I remembered my Biology teacher in high school. almost taught nothing. he came to class and talked nonsense and then asked students to do volunteer work to do cleaning service or planting in the garden, on which we would get our marks. Oh, may God forgive him....:(

i then looked at some pictures of a mom and her son in London. what a happy mom. it must be God loves her so much that God gives all her dreams to come true. me so happy for her.

i feel like a damn looser.

i will let go. but i will continue to live.

i am i and i am on my own.

my flesh will be blasted. my heart will be crushed.
as for me..
as for me..
as for me..
yes as for me and me alone

my Rock...
and my eternal inheritance...
is God alone and alone

I will live.

for God.

MCAT

2006-07-27T18:45:00.000+08:00

211. In eukaryotes, oxidative phosphorylation occurs in the mitochondrion. The analogous structure used by bacteria to carry out oxidative phosphorylation is the: A ) cell wall. B ) ribosome. C ) nuclear membrane. D ) plasma membrane.

212. Nucleosomes typically consist of which of the following? I. DNA II. Histones III. Microtubules A ) I only B ) I and II only C ) II and III only D ) I, II, and II

I looked at those questions with broken heart. Shattered dreams. Tuhan, aku ga tau apa yang harus aku lakukan. It must be a dream....

Tell me what to do....

Love by Kahlil Gibran

2006-07-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

****
so many people like this romantic poem and feel the ecstacy of the myth of romantic love. Not everyone is matured enough (gifted to know) what exactly he was trying to say. Via Dolorosa.

Marriage isn't for everyone

2006-07-14T16:09:00.000+08:00

Mat 19:10 Jesus' disciples objected, "If those are the terms of marriage, we're stuck. Why get married?"
Mat 19:11 But Jesus said, "Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone.
Mat 19:12 Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked--or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it."
***
yahoo...i am glad to read it...

nubuat

2006-07-12T18:01:00.000+08:00

"Aku menubuatkan hidupmu akan berakhir dengan tragis dalam kesepian."
Ucap sang pendeta tenang menghunjam padaku...
Aku tergetar sesaat. Memandang sang pendeta.
Dan tersungkur..kowtow..
"Mulai hari ini aku akan mengikut engkau dan menjadi adik angkatmu..."
***
Bertahun-tahun-tahun yang lampau seorang pendoa syafaat juga menubuatkan,
"Tuhan akan memakaimu luarbiasa dan kamu akan menjadi profound, Tuhan akan memakai tanganmu utk membuat mukjizat dan kamu akan melayani orang2 yang kekurangan dan patah hati dan pergi ke pulau2. Hidupmu akan disertai bahaya tapi Tuhan akan mengirimkan malaikatnya untuk menyelamatkanmu."
***
Kalau kedua nubuatan itu digabung, maka nasibku kurang lebih akan mirip seperti AA Allen, Charles Branham, Paul Cain, John Dowie..:)
***
Kalau aku bernubuat untuk diriku sendiri, kelihatannya aku akan pulang ke rumah Bapa lima tahun lagi...so apa yang akan aku perbuat dalam 5 tahun ini?

hidup buat apa

2006-07-05T14:15:00.000+08:00

hidup buat apa ya?
kalo ngga ada tuhan, kayanya hidup itu utk bisa sesenang mungkin di dunia ini. krn besok kan mau mati. atau mungkin jg krn ga ada tuhan, hidup mati bunuh diri jg sama saja, kita cuma sebuah sistem sel yang kebetulan ada di alam semesta.

kalo tuhan ada?
ada yg bilang tuhan ingin hidup kita senang, jadi kejar prestasi dan kesenangan (baca: berkat) sekeras2nya. tapi ya, kok kayanya ngga begitu yg tuhan inginkan.
ada yg bilang lakukan pekerjaan2 besar buat tuhan. tapi ya, kok rasanya hampa kalo hidup cuma begitu.

keliatannya hidup di muka bumi ini cuma bergaul dg tuhan, baik kita jadi orang kaya atau tidak, berhasil atau tidak, terkenal atau tidak, terhormat atau tidak.

kayanya begitu saja, sambil menunggu keabadian menjemput.

tidak berarti

2006-07-02T21:41:00.000+08:00

hari ini aku mengajar SON tentang iman.
lalu aku berkisah tentang iman dan mukjizat yang pernah Allah lakukan dalam hidupku.
yaitu waktu dulu habis bisnis bangkrut, datang ke singapur, cari kerja, minta kerjaan pada tanggal 12 juli, dan dikasih beneran pas tanggal itu persis.

spontan aku tiba-tiba berucap. aku sama sekali tidak bermaksud berbohong.
"pengalaman mengalami Allah itu jauh lebih berharga dari sekedar pekerjaan yang saya dapat. soal dapat kerjaannya mah tidak berarti, tapi pengalaman bersama Allah itu begitu indah..."

aku kaget mendengar kata2 itu keluar dari mulutku. mengingat kesusahan waktu itu, saat itu yang aku pedulikan adalah solusi dari masalah, dan mana gua peduli soal mengalami Tuhan...
..dan kalau aku dikasih kesusahan lagi sekarang, hanya satu yang kuingini, 'lepas dari kesusahan dalam tempo yg sesingkat2nya!!!!!!'

tapi aku tidak berbohong barusan. sungguh, melihat ke belakang, segala kesusahanku tidak berarti. yang terasa indah dan luar biasa adalah pengalaman bersama Allah. aku bayangkan kalau aku mati, segala kesusahan, shattered dreams, kepedihan tidak ada artinya. sebelum aku mati, aku cuma bisa tersenyum mengingat jalan-jalanku sama Tuhan...

Tuhan, sungguh aku ga bisa mengerti Kamu. Aku tuh mesti gimana???????

Shattered Dreams

2006-06-18T20:36:00.000+08:00

Hari ini aku dipinjami buku "Shaterred Dreams" yang ditulis Larry Crabb.

Akhirnya aku bisa berbisik pelan - di padang gurun -: "Sekalipun dagingku dan hatiku habis lenyap, gunung batuku dan bagianku tetaplah Allah selama-lamanya."

Bagi Dialah tersimpan segala misteri "mengapa". Dialah yang empunya segala jawaban dan berhak untuk diam.

Allah, gunung batuku, terpujilah Dia selama-lamaNya.

Di Pintu Gerbang Timur Eden

2006-06-12T20:45:00.000+08:00

Aku menatap nanar. Gemetar. Di dalam bergolak rasa perih dan putus asa.
"Biarkan aku masuk..." Letih terdengar suaraku. Memohon. Walau tahu di lubuk hati, permohonanku tak akan dikabulkan.

Kerub-kerub di depanku menatap membelalak. Percikan pijar api menyala-nyala di mata mereka. Di sana, aku melihat tatapan marah bercampur kasihan.

"Jangan coba...." Beberapa kerub langsung menghunus pedang api mereka. Menyala-nyala, menyambar berputar-putar di depan pintu gerbang. Suara mereka memekakkan telinga, membuat aku merasa seperti mau mati.

Aku tahu, aku tidak akan punya kesempatan.

[Edited....-cencored-]

Satu dari kerub itu berjalan mendekatiku. Tanpa melihat wajahnya pun aku bisa merasakan aura belas kasihan bergumpal-gumpal.
"Tinggalkan golokmu di sini...gantinya aku akan memberikan sehelai kain putih untuk engkau.."

Dia mengulurkan tangannya menembus ragaku. Menyeka air mata yang meleleh di hatiku dengan sehelai kain putih.

Aku tidak tahu, entahkah aku harus menangis lebih lagi atau berdiam dalam kelu. Ia mengulurkan sehelai kain putih itu.
"Simpanlah, kain ini baik-baik. Kain putih ini bernama 'harapan'."

Aku menjengak.
"Apakah Tuanmu juga punya kain putih untuk aku?"

Raut mukanya berubah sedih dengan hebat. Dia tidak berkata apa-apa. Menumpangkan tangannya di kepalaku dan berbisik, "Pergilah dalam damai.."

Aku menyeret langkahku menjauhi Pintu Gerbang Timur Eden. Beberapa langkah darinya, segera aku merasakan tiupan angin gurun menghembusku keras. Tanpa menoleh ke belakang, aku tahu bahwa semua yang kulihat barusan sudah kasat dari mata. Hanya hamparan pasir yang kini berada dalam pandangan manusia.

Aku melangkah.

Dan melangkah. Dalam gelisah, hati luruh menjadi butir-butir pasir, lenyap ditelan angin gurun.

Aku melangkah. Letih raga, letih jiwa. Jejak-jejak terseret mengurai pasir.

Sampai tiba2, sekonyong-konyong....

Aku mendongak ke langit. Dari sana turun sesuatu. Sehelai kain putih, dua helai, sepuluh helai, seratus helai, seribu helai, sejuta helai....seluruh langit dipenuhi helaian kain putih!

Berkibar dengan anggun, turun dari sorga. Turun dari yang Empunya Taman Eden.

world cup

2006-06-11T21:13:00.000+08:00

i think i am an alien. from a distance thru my space craft's monitor i look at the behavior of the people of earth. and i could not really understand why they are so histerically affected over 22 people on a green field, chasing around one white round ball.

I may be abnormal. even girls like soccers. even most people place bet.

even ps kong said that life is not complete without world cup - (in its context, of course ^_^).

i am just abnormal.

i used to watch WC when i was young. and enjoyed the sleepness night and dawn. its just that now the burden i carry is too heavy that i dont even have energy left to enjoy anything.

but, even jogja's refugees are enjoying soccer game from their refuge tents!

one day...when everything is settled...ok..i'll watch the world cup again!

The Last Stand

2006-06-04T20:40:00.000+08:00

Just watched, X-Men 3, The Last Stand. Many people were upset of this sequel, upon the death of many casts, dan karena matinya terasa janggal. Cyclops nongol sebentar dan mati oleh Jean Grey seperti halnya Prof. X. For me, this tragic sequel is the X-Men master piece. Someone told me, that tragic stories are masterpiece ones.

Filosofi X-Men, menurutku, adalah filsafat eksistensialisme. Komik Marvel ini berbeda dengan karakterisasi komik2 lainnya di tahun 80-90an. Di mana plotnya begitu sederhana, jagoan baik ketemu penjahat. Bertempur. Baik menang melawan jahat. That's all. X-Men bukan plot yang datar, tapi merupakan dialektika dari pergumulan identitas, atau lebih tepat eksistensi.

X-Men bagiku adalah refleksi pergumulan social engineering. Mutan adalah simbol dari pergumulan eksistensi manusia. Dalam konteks etnisitas, mutan mungkin merupakan suara kaum minoritas. Misalnya dalam konteks Indonesia, para minoritas Tionghoa adalah para mutan, yang dipinggirkan oleh "manusia" kebanyakan. Mereka ditakdirkan untuk menjadi lain dan dibenci tanpa alasan. Perjuangan SNB (misalnya) untuk menuntut kesamaan hak etnis Tionghoa adalah perjuangan untuk mereka bisa diterima sebagai mutan apa adanya, tanpa harus dipaksa berasimilasi, alias memakan "cure anti-mutant" dari pemerintah. Bukan kebetulan mungkin, dalam salah satu screen shot X-Men, di ruang Presiden Amerika Serikat, sekilas memuat background lukisan "Abraham Lincoln". Kelihatannya sutradara X-Men memang memaksudkan agar X-Men sarat akan simbol-simbol.

Namun sesuai filsafat eksistensialisme, bagi para kaum miskin urban di Jakarta, mereka sendiri adalah mutan. Mereka merasa terpinggirkan dan menyaksikan para kebanyakan etnis Tionghoa yang makmur dan berdagang di bilangan Glodok adalah "manusia" kebanyakan yang menindas mereka. Dan hari di mana mereka boleh menjarah seolah adalah hari di mana para mutan berusaha merebut kebebasannya dan menyatakan eksistensinya.

Ya, segalanya bisa menjadi subyektif dan relatif. Karena filsafat X-Men adalah filsafat PostMo yang berakar dari eksistensialisme. Tidak datar seperti komik2 Superman, Batman dan Spiderman.

Dalam konteks komunitas, para mutan boleh jadi adalah orang2 outcast yang punya pandangan lain dari orang kebanyakan, dan akhirnya dianggap aneh atau mungkin "kualat". Contohnya, saudara angkat saya, "Pendekar Tertawa", yang menulis di blog-nya. Apakah dia adalah seorang Outcast atau Hero? Everyone can choose their stand.

Pada umur 21 tahun seorang pemuda dalam keadaan depresi berat, berseru "I need to know the truth. The truth for me to live for and to die for!". Pemuda ini adalah Soren Kierkegaard, Bapak dari filsafat Eksistensialisme. Dia berpendapat kalau tiap2 manusia itu punya eksistensinya sendiri secara ajaib dan bukan mass product. Bukan produk determinisme naturalisme. Bukan kerumunan yang hanyut dalam anomie (meminjam istilah Emilio Durkheim).

Namun kalau menurut aku, memang manusia adalah mahluk yang dapat memilih untuk menjadi eksistensial, menjadi seseorang yang mengubah dan berpengaruh bagi dunia. Namun juga bisa memilih untuk menjadi manusia kebanyakan yang hidup menurut arus apa adanya. Contoh orang-orang yang berjuang untuk mengubah keadaan dan menentang determinisme, misalnya Martin Luther, yang tidak rela melihat kebanyakan orang dibodohi oleh kekuasaan papacy. Kierkegaard yang tidak rela melihat jemaat dibekukan oleh gereja Lutheran yang dingin. Nietsche yang berpendapat agama itu memperbudak manusia, dan manusia bisa berevolusi menjadi superman. Hitler, yang berpendapat bahwa rasnya (aka para mutan) yang lebih superior dari manusia kebanyakan. Bisa jahat, bisa baik.

Menarik juga adalah pergumulan Jean Grey vs Phoenix. Phoenix adalah kerinduan akan kebebasan yang tertekan. Namun hasrat kebebasan itu menjadikannya jahat. Apakah kebenaran itu mengekang, atau kebenaran itu memerdekakan? X-Men adalah cerita yang realistis, senyum terakhir Prof X, sebelum mati di tangan Phoenix, seperti senyum pasrah ketika menerima kenyataan bahwa "seolah2" kejahatan menang atas kebaikan. Mengapa Jean Grey tidak mampu menaklukkan naluri jahat Phoenix? Misteri ini seperti yang terekam dalam buku Philip Yancey (Amazing Grace), tentang seorang temannya yang tidak mampu mengekang nafsu homoseksualnya walaupun sudah didoakan, ikut KKR, bahkan pake kursi listrik segala. Dan dia hidup menerima aib, cerca dan tekanan dari gereja yang "suci".

Akhirnya tokoh yang paling menderita adalah Wolverine. Dia sebetulnya adalah tokoh netral yang tidak peduli pada dialektika identitas para mutan. Dia hidup apa adanya menurut prinsipnya. Dia yang menasehati Rogue ketika dia hendak meninggalkan sekolah dan bermaksud meninggalkan kemutanannya. "I hope you are not doing it for some boys.." ujarnya.

Wolverine berusaha mengingatkan Rogue bahwa perasaan jatuh cinta itu cuma tipuan. Itu adalah manipulasi dan tipuan hukum alam, agar manusia bisa berkembang biak dan mempertahankan speciesnya. Sayangnya, Wolverine sendiri hanyut dalam cinta terlarangnya terhadap Jean Grey. Terlarang, karena Jean Grey adalah milik Cyclops. Lebih terlarang lagi karena Jean Grey adalah Phoenix dan Phoenix adalah Jean Grey. Tidak ada yang lebih perih dan menderita di dunia ini, ketika kamu harus mendekati orang yang kamu cintai. Dan menyadari bahwa orang yang kamu cintai, di satu sisi adalah Jean Grey tapi di sisi lain juga adalah Phoenix. Dan berkata:

" I don't die for them, I die for you........ I love you.."

..dan kemudian engkau menusukkan tanganmu dengan cakar Adamantium pada orang yang kau cintai. Karena dia adalah Phoenix. Walau dia adalah Jean Grey. Jika engkau mencintai Jean Grey maka engkau juga harus menerima kenyataan seumur hidupmu bahwa dia adalah juga Phoenix. Phoenix yang telah membunuh Cyclops dan Prof X. Dapatkah engkau menerima bahwa Jean Grey yang engkau cintai adalah Phoenix???? Dan engkau harus membuat pilihan...The Last Stand...Dan pilihan yang engkau buat adalah bahwa engkau tidak akan pernah bisa bersama orang yang engkau cintai....

Walau yang mati adalah Jean Grey di pelukan Wolverine, semua penonton tentu tahu bahwa bagi Wolverine, kenyataan itu lebih buruk daripada dia sendiri yang mati. Perasaan saat memeluk Jean Grey yang mati di tanganmu sendiri lebih buruk daripada perasaan mati itu sendiri...

Perasaan itu lebih menderita daripada saat Magneto menyadari bahwa dia kemudian menjadi "one of them"...menjadi manusia, dan segala mimpinya hancur.

Sepanjang hidupnya, Wolverine hidup dalam penderitaan...Hidup seolah mempermainkan dan mengejeknya dengan keji dan sadis, dan bahkan mempertontonkan di hadapannya bahwa cinta itu bukan tipuan bagi orang lain, tapi kenyataan seperti dalam kasus Rogue.

Film ini menyisakan sedikit happy ending ketika Iceman dalam cinta masa mudanya bisa bersama2 dengan Rogue yang memilih menjadi manusia.

Namun bagi Wolverine, cinta adalah tipuan dan ilusi. Dia dikaruniai self-healing untuk tubuhnya, tapi tidak bagi hatinya. Sepanjang hidupnya dia adalah mutan yang paling menderita.

Jika dahulu aku seorang mutan, maka mungkin aku akan berbaris di Alcatraz Lab, agar dapat menjadi manusia biasa, menjadi kerumunan manusia kebanyakan mengikuti arus. Passing my days of life quietly, quickly, painlessly...I think...that's all..

jogja berduka

2006-05-29T21:49:00.000+08:00

jogja berduka, terkena gempa..
sedih sekali indonesia terus menerus kena bencana....
jadi ingat..dulu menunggu masa dan saat untuk pulang kampung...
entah kapan...

He will remember

2006-05-18T21:17:00.000+08:00

Today's my close friend's birthday. We went out and had lunch together. After the lunch we took a walk and spent some time to chat.
"Betapa beratnya hidup tanpa pengharapan", ujarnya.
"Ya", aku menganggguk setuju. "Aku pernah mengalami hidup tanpa pengharapan, dan akhirnya aku memutuskan to continue living for God's sake. Soalnya kalau aku berhenti hidup -maksudnya hidup tanpa semangat- , aku ga enak aja ama Dia."

Dia berhenti sesaat. Dan menoleh.
"He remembers. He remembers that in eternity. And He will mention this when He meets you later."

Sesaat waktu terasa berhenti dan keabadian menyelinap masuk.

14 Mei

2006-05-18T17:45:00.000+08:00

14 Mei 2006 – Changi Airport
Aku berdiri dengan sedikit gelisah, memegang selembar kertas A4 bertuliskan nama seseorang. Menunggu dua orang yang akan kujemput. Baru kuterima permintaan untuk menjemput dari seorang sahabat di masa lalu, beberapa hari yang lalu. Seorang sahabat yang dulu telah bersama-sama melewati ancaman maut, tentu permintaannya sukar ditolak.

Akhirnya yang ditunggu tiba juga. Lalu mereka menyampaikan titipan. Sebuah buku. Ditulis oleh sahabatku. Reka Ulang Kerusuhan Mei 98, judulnya.

Dan ingatanku melayang. Terbang ke masa lalu. Masa lalu, apakah dia mengikat masa kini? Adakah dia berarti bagi masa kini? Atau masa depan? Mungkin iya, mungkin tidak. Aku tidak tahu jawabannya. Kalau aku salah menjawab, mungkin masa depanku bisa hancur. Oh, aku sungguh tak tahu.

Bertahun-tahun yang lalu aku juga berdiri menunggu seseorang di Changi Airport. Dia sebagai salah satu korban – atau tepatnya keluarga korban Kasus Mei 98 (atau pasca Mei) – baru saja pulang memberikan kesaksian di depan Kongres Amerika Serikat. Mengantarnya adalah Romo X, pada saat itu penasehat LSM yang kami dirikan. Mengantar mereka juga seorang agen FBI yang menyamar menjadi penumpang sipil. Sampai saat ini aku tidak tahu berapa efektif lobi ke Kongres untuk mencegah militerisasi di Indonesia pada masa pancaroba masa itu. (Ya, Amerika membekukan kerjasama militer untuk sesaat setelah itu). Amerika, entah siapa di dalamnya, toh terlibat juga dalam pembantaian jutaan anggota PKI (dan yang dituduh PKI) pada tahun 1965.

Semua aman ternyata. Tidak ada intelijen Indonesia yang mempersulit. Singapura tidak punya perjanjian ekstradisi, lagipula, dengan Indonesia.

Tepat 8 tahun yang lalu adalah hari bersejarah, pemicu – atau mungkin pelampiasan – masalah kemanusiaan karena perbedaan etnis. Tentu saja etnis tidak ada artinya untuk aku. Selembar kulit fana, apa artinya buat aku. Tidak ada sama sekali. Hanya sedikit kesedihan menusuk karena perilaku tidak manusiawi terhadap manusia.

Aku membolak balik sekilas buku reka ulang tersebut. Enggan untuk membaca dengan detil. Untuk apa? Kemarin aku sms sahabatku, untuk menanyakan rancangan UU anti diskriminasi. Tidak gol juga setelah delapan tahun. Warna kulit masih laku dijual sebagai senjata politik.

Dan aku teringat ketika nongkrong-nongkrong di LBH. Berkenalan dengan dunia intel dan politik. Ingat temanku mengajari, “Yang itu tuh intel..menyamar jadi bapak-bapak. Yang itu juga menyamar jadi wartawan tabloid X”. Ingat teman-teman mentertawakan waktu aku polos sekali terpesona mendengar “khotbah” mantan preman yang menyuarakan keadilan, tak lama kemudian fotonya muncul pada saat ikut-ikutan memprovokasi kerusuhan. Ingat teman-teman mentertawakan waktu aku cerita karena mendapat teror lewat telepon. Lalu satu-satu cerita, waktu ditembak peluru karet (cewek lho, padahal), digebukin ABRI dan dicabut kukunya. Yah...dunia yang lain.

Para intel yang menyewa rumah di depan kantor Romo X dan pura-pura buka teater latihan sandiwara. Para intel yang pura-pura main gaplek tiap hari, di depan kantor. Kami cuma bersiap-siap menyediakan pentungan dan gas air mata, tidak lupa siap-siap pintu belakang. Yah, aku tak punya “hard feeling” untuk para intel, seorang sahabatku adalah putri seorang Jenderal (Purn) BAKIN, so what? 

Masa yang menarik. Menerobos kantor Pangab dengan mengundang dahulu para wartawan dan SCTV. Walhasil petugas rumah tangga bukain juga pintu, karena takut bermasalah. Menyelinap di antara kerumunan orang demo di Gedung MPR, waktu hendak bertemu anggota FPDI bersama dengan mantan ketua GERWANI.

LSM, dunia yang unik. Juga penuh keserakahan dan ambisi dan “hidden interest”. Alm sahabatku, sesama pendiri LSM kami, yang mengajari pepatah Marx – tidak ada yang abadi di dunia politik kecuali kepentingan pribadi.

Yah, semua masa lalu lah. Pada akhirnya, tidak ada hasil apa-apa di Indonesia. Walau LSM kami masih berjuang. Entah bagaiman sejarah akan mencatat kami. Yang pasti, akan tertulis, salah seorang pendirinya, patah arang akan tanah airnya, memutuskan menetap sebagai orang asing di tanah rantau.

cruel life

2006-05-06T21:39:00.000+08:00

I receive an SMS:
sure and then life teases u by displaying it right in front of ur nose happening 2 everyone BUT u.life cruelly forces u 2 be spectator but never gives it 2 u.
to that I reply:
...to live is Christ...

Yes I swear to live is Christ. But why do my eyes become wet?

hari ini, semangat dan change management

2006-04-24T21:13:00.000+08:00

kemarin malam aku baca dari:
Isa 57:16 Sebab bukan untuk selama-lamanya Aku hendak berbantah, dan bukan untuk seterusnya Aku hendak murka, supaya semangat mereka jangan lemah lesu di hadapan-Ku, padahal Akulah yang membuat nafas kehidupan.

aku ga mampu meng-hermenetika ayat di atas. cuma terpaku juga pada pernyataan, 'aduh, jangan sampe kamu patah semangat, padahal Aku yang kasih nafas hidup...'

hari ini, sedikit aneh. aku ikut training MOF di microsoft. trainernya dari south africa. dia sedang cerita change management. dia bilang change itu process.

ilustrasinya sangat menggugah. dia bilang, "kalau kamu kehilangan tangan kananmu. pasti pertama2 kamu akan sangat kecewa, stress dan depresi. tapi toh lama kelamaan, kamu akan menerima kenyataan dan akhirnya belajar menggunakan tangan kiri..."

dahsyat sekali ilustrasinya...

dahsyat...

akhir2 ini sedang diskusi teodise di milis cybergki. kena hajar para suhu. handita mengejek 'pendekar kelanapun tersungkur di tanah'. tapi memang betul handita itu bijaksana juga. kita tidak mampu menentukan dan mengukur batas2 Allah...pelan2 aku akan tuliskan diskusiku dengannya di blog ini.

sore ini juga aneh. menunggu seseorang di tengah hujan sangat lebat. menunggu di kino beli buku the road less traveled untuk ketiga kalinya. kedua buku terdahulu diberikan pada 2 orang dengan sejarah masing2. luar biasa. scott m peck menyelamatkanku, atau bahasa rohaninya, Tuhan menggunakan bukunya untuk menyelamatkan aku. tentang cinta.

semangat, teodise dan cinta. ketiga hal ini sedang menggayut pikiran.

mungkin bisa berguna buat script film-nya ayub. tokoh jomblo-nya akhirnya menemukan ketiga jawaban kehidupan itu..di akhir film :)

seseorang dari masa lalu

2006-04-22T22:03:00.000+08:00

entah dari mana dan bagaimana dia bisa menemukan aku, seseorang dari masa lalu datang mengetuk pintu rumahku (yang padahal sudah disamarkan) dengan candanya yang kental, mengejek kemampuan bahasa sundaku. tasik seharusnya lebih kampung dari bandung, dan mestinya aku bisa berbahasa sunda lebih baik dari orang bandung, apa daya, yang mengetuk pintu adalah seorang gadis yang sangat cerdas, dan entah berapa banyak bahasa yang dia kuasai, termasuk spanish, kali (sekarang).

cuma bersua dengannya beberapa kali, tahun2 yang sangat silam, di sebuah desa sepi, palalangon - jauh dari LA, jauh dari Amsterdam, tempat mainnya sekarang. aku ingat seseorang yang begitu penuh energi, passion, kecerdasan di tengah2 kkr anak2, sambil muter film waktu itu.

aku kagum sekali sama dia. aku kagum akan kecerdasan dan terutama semangatnya, ya. semangatnya. oh, gadis cerdas penuh semangat, betapa beruntungnya bumi tempat dia berpijak!

aku jadi merunduk sedih. akhir2 ini aku tidak punya semangat. kalau aku ingat masa mudaku penuh dengan idealisme dan semangat. nerobos kantor pangab, ke gedung mpr, dan berbagai cita2 dan gejolak untuk ini untuk itu. semuanya tiada sekarang. hari ini aku berkata pada orang lewat, 'aku cuma mau melalui hari2ku saja....'

tiada cita, tiada mimpi.

ngomong2 masa lalu, juga seorang sobat mengirim pesan penuh semangat, mengajak bikin script film tentang sesuatu. 'ingat ngga,..ini yang kita omongin di jogja dulu' masa lalu, ya masa lalu.

aku menghitung hari, seperti seorang teman lakukan. duh, masa hidupku kayanya masih panjang, kalau normal.

dan aku perlu semangatku kembali...

isa 54

2006-04-21T18:18:00.000+08:00

anakku,
wanita mandul kan melahirkan
yang dibuang suaminya akan beranak lebih dari yang bersuami
lihat hamparan pasir gurun kering
akan menjadi sungai dan taman yang sejuk
keadaan yang paling buruk
akan kuubah menjadi keadaan yang paling baik

tabahkan hatimu
serahkan bebanmu
karena berkatmu akan mengembang dan berlimpah
berjalanlah, kembangkan tempat kemahmu

anakku
walau kau remuk,
namun engkau akan dibangun dengan batu hitam dan dasar-dasarmu dari batu nilam.
aku akan membuat kemuncak-kemuncak tembokmu dari batu delima, pintu-pintu gerbangmu dari batu manikam merah dan segenap tembok perbatasanmu dari batu permata

anakku,
peduli apa keadaan padang gurun
aku lebih berkuasa dari padang gurun
aku, aku yang menghiburkanmu

bangunlah..bangunlah..bersegera
aku menggendongmu melewati padang gurun ini...

* Isa 54:11 Hai yang tertindas, yang dilanggar angin badai, yang tidak dihiburkan! Sesungguhnya, Aku akan meletakkan alasmu dari batu hitam dan dasar-dasarmu dari batu nilam.

sungai jeung kota

2006-04-16T21:17:00.000+08:00

terus urang teh ningali sungai anu gede pisan tur deres
urang teh ngalir nurutkeun sungai bari ngedenge hiji soara
'tenang, urang nu mawa maneh, tuturkeun we..'
urang nyaho saha eta no boga suara
terus urang ningali hiji kota emas nu agung jeung damai
urang teh ngarasa hadirat gusti aya di dinya
jeung ngarasa sorangan teh kotor di tempat suci
jadi sedih urang
nepikeun hiji malaikat nenangkeun ngabejaan ulah sieun
da sagala dosa geus diampuni

isa 53 - jum'at agung

2006-04-14T12:48:00.000+08:00

itu orang buruk rupa
jijik luka menyelimuti tubuhnya
itu orang buruk rupa
tak lagi bentuk s'perti manusia

itu anak manusia
diludah, dipukul, disesah
disembelih seperti anak domba
diam kelu tak bersuara

itu orang penuh aib
menanggung kutuk hina dan olok
duka perih menyelimutinya
ke mana dia berpaling?

oh, itu perih, pedih perihku
ditanggung lukanya agar aku sembuh
oh, itu siksa, hukum bagi sesatku
ditanggung mautnya agar aku hidup

oh, itu jijik, najis dosaku
ditanggung buruknya agar aku suci
oh, itu duka, duka deritaku
ditanggungnya sedih, agar asaku cemerlang

oh, anak manusia
ini, tangan, tanganku
ikatlah sekehendak hatimu
bawalah aku ke mana engkau pergi dan suka

* Isa 53:5 Tetapi dia tertikam oleh karena pemberontakan kita, dia diremukkan oleh karena kejahatan kita; ganjaran yang mendatangkan keselamatan bagi kita ditimpakan kepadanya, dan oleh bilur-bilurnya kita menjadi sembuh.

Isa 52

2006-04-13T21:59:00.000+08:00

bangunlah, anakku
hari sudah siang
tlah kusiapkan jubah terbaik untukmu

bangunlah, anakku
kecupku bangkitkan semangatmu
tanganku kan menopangmu

bangunlah, anakku
pengolokmu sudah aku usir
aku bangga padamu dan bumi akan melihatnya

bangunlah, anakku
bisikku sejukkan hatimu
giranglah saat kau lihatku

bangunlah, anakku
tlah kusiapkan jalanmu
yang bersih dan lurus

bangunlah, anakku
usah risau usah tergesa
aku sertamu, aku tuntun dikau

*Sebab itu umat-Ku akan mengenal nama-Ku dan pada waktu itu mereka akan mengerti bahwa Akulah Dia yang berbicara, ya Aku! (Isa 52:6)

mengapa menangis (Isa 51)

2006-04-13T12:22:00.000+08:00

mengapa menangis, anakku?
senja belum menjemput
mentari masih terik
menanti engkau melompat meraihnya

mengapa menangis, anakku?
takkan pernah cintaku berubah
sekejap saja tidak aku berpaling
seperti dulu saat kutimang engkau
aku masih peluk kan dikau

mengapa menetes airmatamu, anakku?
nyawaku hidupku telah bagimu
hidupmu di pikirku, di hatiku
kugadai nyawaku untuk janjiku

jangan menangis, anakku
karena aku telah menangis bagimu
seperti pelangi lepas badai keji
kita kan berjalan lagi
dan kan kuhapus duka dan keluh di hatimu

Isa 51:11 Maka orang-orang yang dibebaskan TUHAN akan pulang dan masuk ke Sion dengan sorak-sorai, sedang sukacita abadi meliputi mereka; kegirangan dan sukacita akan memenuhi mereka, duka dan keluh akan menjauh.
Isa 51:12 Akulah, Akulah yang menghibur kamu. Siapakah engkau maka engkau takut terhadap manusia yang memang akan mati, terhadap anak manusia yang dibuang seperti rumput,

You are

2006-04-04T15:04:00.000+08:00

You are my rock and salvation
My life clings on You
You are my reason to continue living
You are my savior

I trust you with all my life

amazing grace

2006-04-03T13:33:00.000+08:00

amazing grace, how sweet the sound
that saves a wretched like me

though i was blind and i could see no hope
amazing grace gives me faith to live on

though broken my spirit
amazing grace gives me hope to live on

All the glory

2006-03-29T17:00:00.000+08:00

All the glory and failure of the past, I consider them rubbish because of the great friend who I know is waiting for me at the finish line.
(Phoenix)

dong haeng

2006-03-24T23:55:00.000+08:00

i think one of the best website in the world is www.donghaeng.net
i hope one day i will have the chance to know kiro...if not i will see him in eternity.

my heart feel strangely warm, and i feel that He is holding me tightly.

it against all my logic and theological background, that faith is not supposed to be a feeling. But i reject my mind and i just somehow feel that He ain't let me go...

holiday

2006-03-24T17:58:00.000+08:00

it's like when you wake up on the first day of holiday, said lucy upon hearing Aslan's name.

Finally she has neverending holiday with Aslan, in the world better than Narnia, after the Last Battle.

Aslan, bring me to your holiday...

God is good

2006-03-10T16:28:00.000+08:00

God is good, all the time
All the time, God is good